This. weekend. has. been. THE. most emotionally draining couple of days in recent history. I'm kind of at a loss for where to begin explaining. I learned a lot about myself. Stuff I never realized and things that scare the hell out of me.
It all started Friday night, with an argument I got into with Kyle. Things escalated pretty badly until we were both screaming at each other, things were being thrown, words were uttered that can never be retrieved. Married people fight. It's, for sure, a thing... We just haven't had a night like this in so long. I don't know if all the pressure we've been under just boiled up and exploded, but it was something that made me double take at what we've been doing. To be honest, it made me question if we would last. I know it's ridiculous for me to say that coming on the heels of the post I wrote the other day about how we are hanging in there and coping, but I've never really experienced this with Kyle. I've always just adored him and our marriage, despite the difficult things. I always felt like we'd come back together no matter what, since we came together so organically in the first place. My heart hurts, though, because ever since the fight, I've felt distant from him... He doesn't feel like mine, he feels strange in my life. It's pretty scary for me because for the last five years, I've had my best friend. We've always been able to make up and get back to our path. This time, I can't put my finger on the wedge between us that is so cumbersome.
Something else that is sort of view changing and telling is the realizations about myself. Without getting into too much detail, I finally understood that the abuse I received my whole life has shaped the way I view myself and my relationships and I am constantly setting myself up to carry other people's crap, be their punching bags, neglect myself and my feelings and just shut up and take it. I never realized that I don't actually deserve that life. I don't want that life. It's possible that Kyle and my dynamic is skewed because I don't ask him to carry much of the burdens. I just assume I'm supposed to carry it on my own. So he never has a chance to grow from it. I'm not saying he's not any to blame for the crap we deal with... there's plenty he could work on. Mainly his minute grain of empathy and his communication skills when things are hot and scary, but if I was the person I'm supposed to be more often, he might be becoming the person he's supposed to be. Something else that I'm sure ties into my warped sense of myself, is how I have developed a very refined flight response to adversity. When things get difficult... I just run. I've been running for so long. The thing about running away is that even though it's easier to do at the time, it never makes me happy. Usually, what I want is just on the other side of the dragon.
Having just written that, I realized that maybe it's not really a wedge between Kyle and I... maybe it's me just shedding some old skin... It's not that he particularly feels strange, but new. Maybe our relationship is heading into something new. Maybe, if we can learn to fight the dragon together (the dragon being each of us working on the respective baggage we brought into our marriage) instead of fighting each other, we can come out on the other side stronger and better for each other. As difficult as it is, I know God wants me to keep loving Kyle, even when I feel sad or distant or like I just want to run away from it all. Love isn't always how we feel about each other, it's sometimes choosing to stay and fight for each other.
I'm scared, but it's time to pick up my sword. Stay. Fight. Conquer.
Showing posts with label maturity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label maturity. Show all posts
7/22/13
7/17/13
Some ponderings and extractions of growth & strength from my marriage.
I've been thinking about my marriage a lot lately. Sounds silly, because I live in it everyday but sometimes, as human nature allows, I take it for granted. It's easy to get swept up in the grind of daily living, and as the last few months have sketched out for me, I've been a serious pain in the ass for myself and my poor husband. I've been bratty, insensitive, and a negative nancy. I mean, I've been grappling with trying to stay positive but Kyle has seen me fall apart more times than I care to admit. He's also stepped up and led me when I couldn't lead myself. It has caused me to view him in a whole new way, which has caused me to be more vulnerable than I ever have been... with him or anyone else. Where I usually have walls and look for quick exits, I'm learning how to put down oak tree roots with people. I'm learning how to be open again and let my heart be accessible. It may be easier to get hurt when my heart is open, but it's also easier for more love to come in and out.
Being married has been the best growth and stretching experience of my life. These difficult times we've been walking through have revealed a lot of our characters and the strength that our life has conditioned us to. Kyle, as it turns out, is the kind of man that steps up to the plate when we need a grand slam. When all seems muddled and unclear, he makes some sense out of the mess. As we grow older, I can see that he is the kind of man I can follow and trust him to get us where we are going. As for me, I may not be the captain I always imagined myself to be, but a surprising twist to me, is that I have the unfathomable ability to hang on tight when the winds pick up. I may have little energy for anything else, but I'm clinging to hope, and that's more than I can say for a lot of other people. I may have complained a lot recently, but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and that, along with my inimitable husband & the strength I find in Jesus, has changed my attitude. I know now that no matter what happens, whatever the world strips away from me, nothing matters except relationships and how to love people better. It really all does boil down to Love God, Love people. The rest is circumstantial and as it's becoming obvious, circumstances are ephemeral.
I just want to write an open love offering, first to God, for bringing Kyle to me. For turning every painful step of my life into the path that would lead me to this man. I'm eternally grateful and humbled to be given the special responsibility and honor of caring about and loving someone so precious.
Secondly to Kyle, for pushing me more than I ever thought I could be pushed or even go. For helping me learn more about myself and life than I could possibly learn on my own. Thank you for helping me see that it's lonely business keeping everyone out and at a distance, that nothing worth having is easy, and that going forward, even when a person is scared, is what strengthens character. You are my best friend, love and captain.
I was just discussing the concept of soul mates with a friend. It is my belief that you don't find your soul mate... You choose someone worthy of your heart, and then they become your soul mate. The difficult and strenuous times mold and shape us so we fit together perfectly. The hard times are good for us, because they grow us. These last couple months have pushed and tested Kyle and I... it is these times that are drawing us together. He is my soul mate and I know in my heart, that we are here for the long haul.
What are some of the lessons you learned from your marriage? Leave your answers in the comments below.
Listening to: Hey Ya covered by Obadiah Parker
Being married has been the best growth and stretching experience of my life. These difficult times we've been walking through have revealed a lot of our characters and the strength that our life has conditioned us to. Kyle, as it turns out, is the kind of man that steps up to the plate when we need a grand slam. When all seems muddled and unclear, he makes some sense out of the mess. As we grow older, I can see that he is the kind of man I can follow and trust him to get us where we are going. As for me, I may not be the captain I always imagined myself to be, but a surprising twist to me, is that I have the unfathomable ability to hang on tight when the winds pick up. I may have little energy for anything else, but I'm clinging to hope, and that's more than I can say for a lot of other people. I may have complained a lot recently, but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and that, along with my inimitable husband & the strength I find in Jesus, has changed my attitude. I know now that no matter what happens, whatever the world strips away from me, nothing matters except relationships and how to love people better. It really all does boil down to Love God, Love people. The rest is circumstantial and as it's becoming obvious, circumstances are ephemeral.
I just want to write an open love offering, first to God, for bringing Kyle to me. For turning every painful step of my life into the path that would lead me to this man. I'm eternally grateful and humbled to be given the special responsibility and honor of caring about and loving someone so precious.
Secondly to Kyle, for pushing me more than I ever thought I could be pushed or even go. For helping me learn more about myself and life than I could possibly learn on my own. Thank you for helping me see that it's lonely business keeping everyone out and at a distance, that nothing worth having is easy, and that going forward, even when a person is scared, is what strengthens character. You are my best friend, love and captain.
I was just discussing the concept of soul mates with a friend. It is my belief that you don't find your soul mate... You choose someone worthy of your heart, and then they become your soul mate. The difficult and strenuous times mold and shape us so we fit together perfectly. The hard times are good for us, because they grow us. These last couple months have pushed and tested Kyle and I... it is these times that are drawing us together. He is my soul mate and I know in my heart, that we are here for the long haul.
What are some of the lessons you learned from your marriage? Leave your answers in the comments below.
Listening to: Hey Ya covered by Obadiah Parker
6/14/13
16 things I learned from being an adult.
Yesterday, I had the startling realization that I am, in fact, an adult. Something that had previously escaped my knowledge for reasons unknown to me, however, now that I know it, the idea is liberating. It sounds silly to me to say it like this, but I'm doing it anyway (because, hey... I'm a grown up and I can do what I want... mostly.) but it feels like I literally got a new lens to look through. My perspective changed, in an instant. Where there were once roadblocks, there is now open possibilities. I can see opportunities that I was missing before and also the closed doors of what I, admittedly, shouldn't even bother with anymore. I'm still a little stressed about situations, but I'm starting to see that it's only that; situations. The only transcendental thing about life is our connections with each other; our relationships. Becoming the best version of myself that I can be is the greatest way to take part in the most rewarding aspect of living on earth. Here's a list of 16 things I've picked up along the way that make me feel like a decent adult.
1) Get out of your head. I don't know about you, but I spend a lot of time in my brain, getting cozy with my limiting beliefs. I entertain them, invite them in and let them use my good China. It is for this reason that I haven't been able to really accomplish the big things I've dreamed about... I have a living room full of 'NOs' and I'm giving them my full attention. It's time to kick out the things that say you 'can't', put your coat on, and step outside to experience the world as it actually is.
2) Share your stuff. Share your clothes, share your house, share your food, share your money, share your time. Hands that are open to give, are open to receive. Not only that but, when you share, you are reinforcing your connection to people; somewhere deep down, it makes you realize that we all have the same needs. Sharing strengthens your empathy muscle.
3) Take care of yourself. A cup can only continue to supply you with water if it is constantly being refilled. When you refill and recharge yourself mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, you will always have enough of yourself to give to other people. Inversely, when you neglect yourself to try to take care of everyone and everything, you will burn out easy.
4) Learn to say 'NO'. Be it to yourself when you want to buy something and can't afford it or to someone else when they are not respecting your boundaries. No is an important word to master and sometimes takes a lot of practice, but strengthening the skill to say it can save you a lot of pain and aggravation later on. It also shows people that you respect yourself enough acknowledge your own boundaries.
5) Learn to say 'Yes'. Knowing your boundaries is good. Hiding from things that are potentially life changing and amazing... not so much. Get out there!
6) Volunteer. Anywhere. Everywhere! Figure out what pulls at your heartstrings and go lend a hand. The feeling that you get from giving back from the community is incredible. I'm telling you that there aren't many things more satisfying than giving your time, energy, and love to renewing and lifting people up. You will feel blessed, humbled and thankful.
7) Return your library books on time. This sounds silly, perhaps, but when you bring back your books on time, you are showing respect for your local library and fellow book readers. You are building trust that you are a reliable human being. This translates over to putting your cart back in the corral after shopping, putting things back where you got it, cleaning up your trash, etc. It's courteous. And people like other people who are courteous.
8) Speaking of books, read them. When you read, you don't just gain information, you work your brain muscle. When your brain is strong, it works and processes better, which can lead to better communication, problem solving, and forward thinking. Do it, you won't regret it. Plus, you'll have plenty of stuff to talk about at parties;)
9) Speaking of parties, learn to network. This skill is invaluable. Let me repeat, THIS SKILL IS INVALUABLE. It can lead you to opportunities that you might not have otherwise known about or had access to. It could land you a job of a lifetime, a friendship/partnership/relationship, adventure! You could introduce someone to someone else, and that introduction sparked a romance or a crazy great business idea and later, that someone remembers you when a great opportunity comes up. It is a constantly moving web of interaction and connection that can lead you to (great!) roads unknown!
10) Surround yourself with positive people. You are most influenced and most like the five people closest to you. Think about who your 'Five' are. Do they build you up and support you? Or do they tear you down? A little bit of refocusing and finding a community to support your goals and dreams could be all that you need to start achieving your goals.
11) STOP. WATCHING. TV. It's distracting and it's easy to do, so you aren't getting any value out of it for your mind or body. I guess there is something to be said for documentaries and shows with solid, informational content, but really, you can get that anywhere. Seriously. Just stop it. Do you really need to re-watch the season finale of The Mindy project? No.
12) Smile and say hello to people. It makes you memorable and it makes people feel good/want to be around you. It's easy and costs nothing! Even if you feel terrible, paste on a smile and you'll probably start to feel better anyway.
13) Say what you mean. Do not try to wrap things up in subtext and expect the other person to understand what you meant/wanted/felt. People can't read minds and it's very frustrating to try to improve communication and work on achieving goals in a relationship when one or both people are not being clear. Besides, if you just say what you actually meant in the first place, it gives the other person a chance to respond accordingly instead of spending valuable time trying to figure out what you meant.
14) Be serious about your health. Not only will you have more energy when you eat right and exercise, but feeling fantastic can improve your mental state too. I get very moody when I don't feel well. As I age, I'm starting to pay attention to what my body is trying to tell me because I'd rather spend more days feeling great than not. Plus, your brain releases hormones that make you feel good when you exercise! It's a win every time!
15) Learn how to be responsible with money. You can spend a whole lot of time doing things the wrong way and trying to dig yourself out of messes you made by not knowing. I've spent a lot of time in jobs I hate because I had to clean up some very stupid decisions. When you know what to do with money, you aren't a slave to it.
16) And one more thing for now. Listen to the news on a need-to-know basis. It's good to be aware of current issues, but don't hang on the media's every word. It's just one more negative influence to try to struggle against. I've spent many a days worrying over nuclear war and economic downturn. That heavy feeling in your chest takes you out of your element and holds you back. Have empathy for our fellow humans, be changed, reach out, but don't be beaten and worry over it.
So, that's what I've come up with so far. I know I'm not done marinating in my 'grown-up soup' and I hope to never be done. I want to continually grow, change, and be better. I am open to so many more life lessons and I can't wait to share them.
What are some things that you have learned as you've become and adult? Share in the comments below!
1) Get out of your head. I don't know about you, but I spend a lot of time in my brain, getting cozy with my limiting beliefs. I entertain them, invite them in and let them use my good China. It is for this reason that I haven't been able to really accomplish the big things I've dreamed about... I have a living room full of 'NOs' and I'm giving them my full attention. It's time to kick out the things that say you 'can't', put your coat on, and step outside to experience the world as it actually is.
2) Share your stuff. Share your clothes, share your house, share your food, share your money, share your time. Hands that are open to give, are open to receive. Not only that but, when you share, you are reinforcing your connection to people; somewhere deep down, it makes you realize that we all have the same needs. Sharing strengthens your empathy muscle.
3) Take care of yourself. A cup can only continue to supply you with water if it is constantly being refilled. When you refill and recharge yourself mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, you will always have enough of yourself to give to other people. Inversely, when you neglect yourself to try to take care of everyone and everything, you will burn out easy.
4) Learn to say 'NO'. Be it to yourself when you want to buy something and can't afford it or to someone else when they are not respecting your boundaries. No is an important word to master and sometimes takes a lot of practice, but strengthening the skill to say it can save you a lot of pain and aggravation later on. It also shows people that you respect yourself enough acknowledge your own boundaries.
5) Learn to say 'Yes'. Knowing your boundaries is good. Hiding from things that are potentially life changing and amazing... not so much. Get out there!
6) Volunteer. Anywhere. Everywhere! Figure out what pulls at your heartstrings and go lend a hand. The feeling that you get from giving back from the community is incredible. I'm telling you that there aren't many things more satisfying than giving your time, energy, and love to renewing and lifting people up. You will feel blessed, humbled and thankful.
7) Return your library books on time. This sounds silly, perhaps, but when you bring back your books on time, you are showing respect for your local library and fellow book readers. You are building trust that you are a reliable human being. This translates over to putting your cart back in the corral after shopping, putting things back where you got it, cleaning up your trash, etc. It's courteous. And people like other people who are courteous.
8) Speaking of books, read them. When you read, you don't just gain information, you work your brain muscle. When your brain is strong, it works and processes better, which can lead to better communication, problem solving, and forward thinking. Do it, you won't regret it. Plus, you'll have plenty of stuff to talk about at parties;)
9) Speaking of parties, learn to network. This skill is invaluable. Let me repeat, THIS SKILL IS INVALUABLE. It can lead you to opportunities that you might not have otherwise known about or had access to. It could land you a job of a lifetime, a friendship/partnership/relationship, adventure! You could introduce someone to someone else, and that introduction sparked a romance or a crazy great business idea and later, that someone remembers you when a great opportunity comes up. It is a constantly moving web of interaction and connection that can lead you to (great!) roads unknown!
10) Surround yourself with positive people. You are most influenced and most like the five people closest to you. Think about who your 'Five' are. Do they build you up and support you? Or do they tear you down? A little bit of refocusing and finding a community to support your goals and dreams could be all that you need to start achieving your goals.
11) STOP. WATCHING. TV. It's distracting and it's easy to do, so you aren't getting any value out of it for your mind or body. I guess there is something to be said for documentaries and shows with solid, informational content, but really, you can get that anywhere. Seriously. Just stop it. Do you really need to re-watch the season finale of The Mindy project? No.
12) Smile and say hello to people. It makes you memorable and it makes people feel good/want to be around you. It's easy and costs nothing! Even if you feel terrible, paste on a smile and you'll probably start to feel better anyway.
13) Say what you mean. Do not try to wrap things up in subtext and expect the other person to understand what you meant/wanted/felt. People can't read minds and it's very frustrating to try to improve communication and work on achieving goals in a relationship when one or both people are not being clear. Besides, if you just say what you actually meant in the first place, it gives the other person a chance to respond accordingly instead of spending valuable time trying to figure out what you meant.
14) Be serious about your health. Not only will you have more energy when you eat right and exercise, but feeling fantastic can improve your mental state too. I get very moody when I don't feel well. As I age, I'm starting to pay attention to what my body is trying to tell me because I'd rather spend more days feeling great than not. Plus, your brain releases hormones that make you feel good when you exercise! It's a win every time!
15) Learn how to be responsible with money. You can spend a whole lot of time doing things the wrong way and trying to dig yourself out of messes you made by not knowing. I've spent a lot of time in jobs I hate because I had to clean up some very stupid decisions. When you know what to do with money, you aren't a slave to it.
16) And one more thing for now. Listen to the news on a need-to-know basis. It's good to be aware of current issues, but don't hang on the media's every word. It's just one more negative influence to try to struggle against. I've spent many a days worrying over nuclear war and economic downturn. That heavy feeling in your chest takes you out of your element and holds you back. Have empathy for our fellow humans, be changed, reach out, but don't be beaten and worry over it.
So, that's what I've come up with so far. I know I'm not done marinating in my 'grown-up soup' and I hope to never be done. I want to continually grow, change, and be better. I am open to so many more life lessons and I can't wait to share them.
What are some things that you have learned as you've become and adult? Share in the comments below!
6/13/13
I finally realized I'm a grown up!
photo cred: charismagick.com
I had a really fantastic 'Ah-Ha' moment this morning. I passed a group of baby faced interns in the hallway at work, and I realized I don't look like that anymore. I am at the point where the standard head nod of acknowledgement between most young people would look weird coming from me and starting a casual conversation with someone younger than 25 makes me feel like a creep. I no longer connect to the social content of the lives of 22 year olds. I live in a world where my mortgage is my biggest bill and I often wonder how to keep my marriage healthy. I'm not the person a young twenty-something seeks to hash out the previous weekend's party antics or the stress of finals. I'm the person they ask questions about getting older, getting married, and what saving for retirement feels like. What's more surprising, is that I can actually answer those questions with a thoughtful and in depth analysis. Today, on June 13, 2013, I finally realized... I'm an adult! A post on what that means, to follow. Check back tomorrow!
When did you first realize you were a grown up? How did it make you feel? Comment below!
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