Don't be normal: Letting go of falling in line, caring what people think, and taking off ideals that don't fit.

I'll do what I want.

It sounds willful and defiant. Like it's falling out of the mouth of a child. And as I say that, I stop and wonder why that's such a bad thing in context to how I feel now. I will do anything I want. As an adult, I've fallen in line with everyone else for way too long because that's what I thought I was "supposed" to do. I'm excellent at being submissive to the ideals of our culture and yet, I disagree with most of it. Which has in turn, made me miserable. I wrote a post similar to this on a different blog, regarding my faith and how it is the thing I cherish most in life but I don't show it very often because I fear what others will think about me.

So far in my life, it has gotten me nowhere, caring what other people think. It has gotten me nowhere but at breakneck speed. This is MY life, darn it. I don't know if I deserve it if I let anyone other than myself and God influence my decisions. Why do I cringe to myself every time I have a new business idea? Because the thought of sharing it yet again, for people to think how flighty and indecisive I am and how my career has been after me for ages to get married and I just can't commit. So what?! I wouldn't settle down with any old guy, I don't know why people expect me to settle down with any old career. I have standards. Another puzzling thing I seem to care about is my perceived intelligence. I have been in gifted classes and on the honor roll since the third grade. Stabilized IQ scores have been called into question, but it was high enough last time I was tested, that I can consider applying to Mensa. I come from a family of certifiable geniuses. My ability to use context clues and pick up on things that most people miss or don't want to admit is undeniable. Why do I freaking care if anyone thinks otherwise?! The million business ideas? ONE OF THEM IS GOING TO STICK ONE DAY AND MY BRAIN WILL BE THE BRAIN THAT THOUGHT IT UP.

So what if I wanted a blue wedding dress or that I want to have pink hair most of the time. Who the hell cares if I don't enjoy being a homeowner and would rather live in a studio or loft and be a minimalist!? What does it matter to anyone else if I fantasize about traveling around the country in a camper, gypsy style?? I have experienced "normal" and it made me so miserable, that I've been depressed and nearly suicidal.

Excuse me if I no longer feel like working at a job I HATE to pay for things that I don't even want because that's "what I'm supposed to do". From now on, I will do what I want.

Depression, a long summer and finding my fire again

It's been a month since I last posted. I've got a song playing on my ipod by All Time Low called 'Weightless'. The lyrics go "Manage me, I'm a mess. Turn a page, I'm a book half unread. I'm stuck in this effin rut, waiting for a second hand pick me up... I'm over getting older. Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year. I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere. This is my reaction to everything I fear... I've been going crazy, I don't want to waste another minute here."

I got really depressed the last couple of weeks. I let myself get stuck in a rut... It's difficult for me to crawl out of those funks. I've struggled with depression my entire life. For a long time I tried to ignore it and pretend it did't affect me; and then wonder why I was always so messed up. I finally learned to accept that it was a part of me and that I should try to deal with it. This blog was part of my way of working through things. But I have a hard time being honest about the times that I struggle, personally. I don't want people to see me fall apart, so rather than admit what I'm actually going through, I just stop being as transparent. I hide. So for the sake of trying to get over my issues... here's some brutal and uncomfortable (for me) honesty.

At the end of July, I had to euthanize my beloved cat, Hadley. I got her when she was 8 weeks old, and shortly after that, she developed a weird skin condition that caused her to itch her face raw... that I spent the next three years trying to cure. I dragged her to the vet many a time, only to find that they would just pump her full of steroids and send us home. The cycle would start all over again when the meds ran out. I tried everything I could possibly think of. We cleaned, we painted, we got rid of the carpets, we gave her special food and made sure that she didn't eat out of plastic bowls. We tried flea dips, special shampoos, holistic creams and oils, raw food, vitamin e, sardines for her coat, plastic tips for her nails and the dreaded cone. She spent half her life in that bloody thing. Most of the photos I have left are of her with a crusty face and half of her fur gone. It was time. That's not to say it didn't break my heart into a million pieces. I cried for three days. I miss her all the time...  That's what really sent me spiraling recently.

There's been other things. But I wasn't really thinking about them, I was just doing what I have to do. One is probably the fact that my marriage is really difficult. Like.... what?! I don't even know how we got here... I assume this is what we call a rough patch, I just didn't anticipate how hard it was going to be just to talk to him sometimes. I love him. He is my best friend. However, in instances like this evening, doing our budget together for the first time in a very long time was super laborious. We fight hard and I just wish either of us would freaking get it together and read a book on communication or something. I think we are going to kill each other.. maybe... then he turns around and tells me how beautiful I am. I can't tell if we are really resilient or really toxic.

Speaking of the budget, our financial life is atrocious. We were on a really good path for a while; paying off debt and keeping a good budget but then something happened. I'm not even sure what but we stopped talking about everything and he let me just start handling it all. I think that made me shut down because I stopped being 'good with the money' ... I spent... And I ate.. a lot. This has actually been a really long five years of my life. Nearly since the beginning of Kyle's and my relationship, we've had to overcome stuff... Stuff that I wasn't really prepared to deal with. I don't know... I don't want to spend this entire post complaining, I just don't know where to start to really sort through all this crap. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I used to have a lot of fire and passion and I just let it burn out.

I think I have to start by simply admitting that it has been my choices that have lead me down this path. There is no one to blame or congratulate for my successes and failures except me. I don't know if that is necessarily going to help or cure the clinical part of my issues... hormones are hormones but maybe I can jump start something in me again... If I truly start to believe that I am responsible for all the crappy things I have going on, maybe I can start to be responsible for making good things happen for myself too.. Like getting motivated enough to find a job that doesn't bore me to tears. Or to lose the weight I've been lugging around for the last five years, or to get started on my novel, or be a better wife, or work with my husband to get us into a better position in our finances and learn to communicate better with him, or get up the guts to finally apply to mensa.

I don't want to carry this shit anymore. I don't want to be this person anymore. I just gotta find my fire again.

Some ponderings and extractions of growth & strength from my marriage.

I've been thinking about my marriage a lot lately. Sounds silly, because I live in it everyday but sometimes, as human nature allows, I take it for granted. It's easy to get swept up in the grind of daily living, and as the last few months have sketched out for me, I've been a serious pain in the ass for myself and my poor husband. I've been bratty, insensitive, and a negative nancy. I mean, I've been grappling with trying to stay positive but Kyle has seen me fall apart more times than I care to admit. He's also stepped up and led me when I couldn't lead myself. It has caused me to view him in a whole new way, which has caused me to be more vulnerable than I ever have been... with him or anyone else. Where I usually have walls and look for quick exits, I'm learning how to put down oak tree roots with people. I'm learning how to be open again and let my heart be accessible. It may be easier to get hurt when my heart is open, but it's also easier for more love to come in and out.

Being married has been the best growth and stretching experience of my life. These difficult times we've been walking through have revealed a lot of our characters and the strength that our life has conditioned us to. Kyle, as it turns out, is the kind of man that steps up to the plate when we need a grand slam. When all seems muddled and unclear, he makes some sense out of the mess. As we grow older, I can see that he is the kind of man I can follow and trust him to get us where we are going. As for me, I may not be the captain I always imagined myself to be, but a surprising twist to me, is that I have the unfathomable ability to hang on tight when the winds pick up. I may have little energy for anything else, but I'm clinging to hope, and that's more than I can say for a lot of other people. I may have complained a lot recently, but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and that, along with my inimitable husband & the strength I find in Jesus, has changed my attitude. I know now that no matter what happens, whatever the world strips away from me, nothing matters except relationships and how to love people better. It really all does boil down to Love God, Love people. The rest is circumstantial and as it's becoming obvious, circumstances are ephemeral.

I just want to write an open love offering, first to God, for bringing Kyle to me. For turning every painful step of my life into the path that would lead me to this man. I'm eternally grateful and humbled to be given the special responsibility and honor of caring about and loving someone so precious.

Secondly to Kyle, for pushing me more than I ever thought I could be pushed or even go. For helping me learn more about myself and life than I could possibly learn on my own. Thank you for helping me see that it's lonely business keeping everyone out and at a distance, that nothing worth having is easy, and that going forward, even when a person is scared, is what strengthens character. You are my best friend, love and captain.

I was just discussing the concept of soul mates with a friend. It is my belief that you don't find your soul mate... You choose someone worthy of your heart, and then they become your soul mate. The difficult and strenuous times mold and shape us so we fit together perfectly. The hard times are good for us, because they grow us. These last couple months have pushed and tested Kyle and I... it is these times that are drawing us together. He is my soul mate and I know in my heart, that we are here for the long haul.

What are some of the lessons you learned from your marriage? Leave your answers in the comments below.




Listening to: Hey Ya covered by Obadiah Parker

Trading in 'skinny' for Strength

I made a facebook update about this yesterday, but I felt like I needed to expound upon my thoughts. After clocking around 30 miles in the last two weeks, I can already feel my legs getting stronger. So much so that I haven't woken myself up with a charlie horse in quite some time and when I get out of bed in the morning, my feet don't hurt nearly as much as they used to. Dealing with plantar fascitis for the last three years has been hellish and debilitating, but the last few weeks have been almost pleasant for my feet and me. I can take stairs easier, walk longer, breathe easier. It's a gorgeous feeling and I feel that way about myself. Some new and ground breaking thoughts sort of came rushing in yesterday and I think it's the most healthy I have ever percieved myself and my goals. I no longer just want to be 'skinny'. I absolutely want to be smaller, but now, it's for the right reasons. Not because someone told me that skinny neccessarily equals beautiful, but because being a smaller person would allow me to do things I haven't been able to do in a long time or ever. Not only do I want to be a smaller person, but I want to be a strong person. I want my body to have strength and grace so that I can enjoy what I'm doing. Three months ago, I couldn't be on my feet for longer than a few hours. Now, I'm marveling at how strong my calves feel and how far they can take me. One of my best friends once told me that I need to make working out a hobby; that I need to get to a point where I enjoyed doing it. I could never understand where he was coming from before because my goals of 'getting skinny' weren't enough to make me want to do the hard work. It was a lazy goal but, now, feeling the rewards of working harder than I ever have is leading me to want to put the time and effort in. Now, I'm addicted to feeling my body strengthen. It is so good. As trite as this sounds, nothing is more fitting for me right now than the Nike slogan, 'Just Do It'. I got to a point where I ran out of excuses and I just went out there and started working for it. Some of the miles are challenging, mentally, but I can't think of many things that are more rewarding than doing the best for your body. I wish I would have gotten here sooner.

Quality time, relationships, tlc and confidence

Well, I had a super long weekend starting from Thursday night. Kyle texted me early in the morning and said he wanted to stay over in Philly so he could get some extra training in the next day. I worked it out so that I could have off on Friday and planned to work on our yard, which desperately needed some labor intensive hours this weekend. I didn't end up doing my normal 8 ish mile walk home that evening, because I knew if I wanted to have enough energy to work outside, I wasn't going to be able to do the trek home. Good thing Berks county, at least, has a few decent taxi services to call upon, despite the very lacking public bus system. The 22 bucks I spent getting home was worth the price to be able to work some earth Friday morning.

I treated myself to some sushi and strawberries with whipped cream when I got home, for the long week I put in... 39 hours of work plus 23 miles of walk. It was a nice quiet evening and I fell asleep with my dog next to me. Friday morning came early. Rachel woke me up around 8:30 and she took me to Home Depot so I could buy a new lawn mower, finally. I also picked up an electric chainsaw so I could begin chopping down the awful bushes that have been taking over my yard for way too long. I can't begin to describe the feeling that overcame as I began hacking away at the terror trees. Anyway, I spent a good amount of time putting the lawn mower together with only one of the right size wrenches I needed and a vise grip... sonuva-b. That was annoying but supremely exciting when I finally got it all together and revved up the engine. Ellie was excited too... I had to keep yelling at her to get away from the mower so she wouldn't get her little paws chopped off. She such a silly pants sometimes.The yard looks better, but we still have a long way to go. I also need to call the electric company to get them to come and trim the trees where the branches are hanging out with the power lines. Soon enough, the yard will be pretty and I won't feel like the Clampits of the neighborhood.

Friday night, I watched this mini series called The Runaway. It. Broke. My. Heart! Holy crap... it was seedy and devastating. It's Monday morning and I'm still tearing up at the thought of some of the things I saw and how well the actors portrayed them. I know it wasn't real and it's based off of a crime novel, but I can't help but imagine that somewhere, these things happen. I mean obviously, they do, I just don't think about it because I never have to really see it. The piece was so moving that it was something else I added to the column of reasons why I'd like to adopt a baby. I want to save someone from the heartache of the things I watched. So heavy:(

Saturday night, I got to spend time with some of Kyle's friends that I hadn't, previously. We played Cards Against Humanity, ate pizza and I got to try a gluten free beer called, Angry Orchard, which was delicioso! I had a really great time with them and am happy that they are good people and Kyle has some more people he can lean on & care about. I think good friends really make someone a well rounded person.

Sunday was spent working more on the yard and then swimming, again, with Kyle's friends. Andrew invited us to his father's house for swimming, games and a cook out. I was nursing a dehydration headache and didn't really start to feel better until later, but I made the best of it. We played Uno and I got to meet Andrew's family.

The weekend was one of the better ones I've had in a long time. I got to spend the first part of it giving our home some much needed tlc and spending quality time with Ellie. Then I got to spend quality time with Rachel when she took me shopping Friday morning. It was a welcome treat after not seeing her for a few weeks, now that she's on a different shift than me. I spent the next two days going out with Kyle and meeting some fun, new friends. I even felt really great getting dressed and putting some make up on. Spending the previous week walking and thinking about my food choices has really boosted my confidence. I even took a 'selfie' to mark the occasion. I made some good choices eating, even though I went off the track a bit with the pizza and cookout, but I still think I'm doing much better. A new acquaintance of mine sent me a link to an interesting food blog that has really funny headers on each post. I got a kick out of it but more importantly, it is a fantastic resource for me to try new, healthy recipes. I'm on my way to a healthier, more thoughtful future. I feel good about where I've been and where I'm headed. Feels good man.

XO.

Here's some photos I remembered to grab over the weekend.

 Got to spend some time with this silly pup! Love her little face<3 .="" br="">

Used my headphones so much in the last two weeks, being active, that I broke them! 

One of the headers from the food blog I was recently shown.  I'll post the link soon.

 

Selfie. I feel like my chest still takes over but I'm really starting to feel fantastic. My feet don't hurt as much and I can feel myself getting stronger. I can't wait to be strong enough to do things like climb and kayak!!! Fit life, here I come!

A healthy salad I had over the weekend. Organic spring mix, blue corn tortilla chips, a broken up cranberry & pistachio bar and pomegranite vinaigrette. To many more healthy choices!



What did you do over the weekend? Tell us in the comments below! 

Training for a 5k; staying positive

I'm. SO. tired.

Since Saturday, I've walked 15.12 miles. 8.5 of them last night alone. That's why I didn't have a chance to post last night. I came home and had zero energy for anything except eating, showering, feeding the pets and going to sleep. My muscles hurt mostly in the good way but I am having a little trouble with my feet and ankle. I took some aspirin and am drinking water today, so, I'm hoping I'll be ready for round three this week of the long walk home. If I can do this two more times by Saturday, I'll have walked 30 miles! Which is exciting. And terrifying! I just want a long, long nap. Something exciting that I woke up to this morning; in posting my workout stats to FB, I got invited to participate in another 5k in October. I have to push through, I can't give up. Here's a few photos to share my progress.

These are from Monday:

Tuesday:

I've been trying to eat cleaner, as well. This is lunch I made for all week of quinoa & an avocado. Very tasty! 

This is definitely a part of my journey where I have to keep fighting the negative thoughts & doubts that are creeping in and pray A LOT! I'm already tired and have a little bit of anxiety about today's walk. I know I can do it and it's an investment in my future. Nothing good comes easy.


What are some ways that you have stayed positive during difficult times? Respond in the comments below!