I think a good way to start my clean slate is to finish up my list of things I'm thankful for from my participation in November's facebook tradition. My fb app isn't showing my entire wall, so I forgot where I stopped but I think I need to finish up with like ten things. Here goes:
*I'm going to say it, even if I don't always feel it and I complain about it pretty often because it gives me anxiety and panic attacks, I AM grateful to have a job and getting a paycheck, particularly at this time in Kyle & my's life. The problem I have, is that I am often thinking about the next step of my journey. I know that I am not meant to be a rate surveyor for the rest of my life. I get resentful when people start telling me to be grateful and that being hopeful or wanting to dream is stupid and that 'nothing is out there'... I've had that argument more than I can wrap my head around and so my attitude has soured, and it's mostly because of people forcing their ideas down my throat. I don't care about this economy being weak... that has nothing to do with my ability to get my dream gig... there's people getting jobs and being successful because they persistently made hilarious vines or ridiculous songs... The creative spirit is alive and well and I still choose to believe in that and that it will get me out of here someday. When I am grieving over the job I have, it's because I know where I am going and I'm getting a little impatient. I'm a caged bird and that's all there is to it. That being said, yes, having money to pay bills is great, that doesn't mean it doesn't feel like a burden sometimes. I have been homeless, I have had so little, I have eaten meals in cars because there was no place to go... that has never dampened my happiness or broken my spirit. Money isn't the most important thing in the world to me. We've had enough money to pay the bills and buy a house, but that didn't make our marriage better or our dreams come true. I think what is happening is that I have a different view of the world but I allowed myself to go down a road that wasn't fitting to me. I realize it now and what seems like ungratefulness is my unwillingness to be satisfied in a costume that doesn't fit. I'd give up everything to be fulfilled and have honest and real relationships. So maybe this job is more than a paycheck, it's making me realize what I don't want. That being said, we made the choices we made and now we have to clean up our mess. I will cherish this job as best as I can insofar as it helps us pay off our debt and dig ourselves out of this house and the needless consumption that comes along with it. Sorry for that small rant, I have just been struggling with people forcing the idea on me that 'this is the best I'll ever get'... I'm seeking excellence for myself... There's no shame in that.
*I'm grateful for my husband. There's so much of my heart that I want to pour out over this sentence but I know it'll never be a complete thought because we are always growing and changing. God is teaching me a lot through my marriage and I can't wait to see how He uses the both of us together. I've never loved anybody like I love Kyle. Being with him has made me understand what real love is. I'm going to be admittedly cheesy and say that Pat Benetar's famous 80s song, Love Is A Battlefield comes to my mind and is fairly accurate. I used to get mad that Kyle wasn't more romantic in the traditional sense. I wanted more flowers and poetry. What I found in the last five years is that I fall more in love with him when he takes the trash out so I don't have to; when he helps me figure out how to navigate through a problem, when he gets up early and comes to church with me, when he holds me and lets me cry when things get unbearable- even if he doesn't know what to say. I fall more in love with him when I feel unlovable and he stays. I was raised with the idea of conditional love. Kyle has been a living example of sticking it out when the love and marriage is messy. I love when he admits when he's messed up instead of turning it around on me like others have done. I love how he is quick to forgive me when I mess up. He may have been my lover in the beginning, but he truly has become my best friend.
*I'm grateful for my relationship with Jesus Christ. It's the only thing that has saved my life. Some people don't understand why I'd put my hope in someone I can't see but the truth is, I CAN see Him. I see how He's changed me and is still changing me. The days that I am the most hopeful, positive, fulfilled and uplifted are the days I have spent praying and reading The Word. The days when I am struggling, complaining and hard-hearted are when I haven't been seeking His face. You become like the people you spend time with. I love the person I become when I spend time with God. That's not to say that things get easier, everything just becomes dim compared to the glory and peace I find in His refuge. I have a lot of goals but the only thing I truly care about, at the heart of my life, is living a life seeking God and becoming more of the person He intended me to be.
*I am grateful for the relationships that I have that are genuine and edifying. I have realized that nothing in this life is more important than our relationships. If everything was stripped away, that is all we'd have. I give honest thanks for the people who have cared to connect with me and stick around even when I couldn't always be the person I should have or could have been.
*I'm grateful that someday, I will be the person I want to be. I'm grateful that I still have hope in my bones, even when they get tired. I'm grateful that I still have the desire to be a healthy, happy and whole person, however long it may be taking me to get there. There journey is making me stronger.
*A little shallow, comparatively, but I am really grateful for music. It has been my catalyst sometimes where words alone fail. It has helped me survive this job when my mind is weak and bored. It has helped me get up and move when my body was tired. It has helped me mend from break ups and inspired my creativity. It has helped me say things I didn't know how to say. It helped me fall in love with my husband when he made me mixes of things he didn't know how to say either. It has inspired connection and community with other people, as well.
*I'm grateful for the opportunity to share my words. I guess that means I'm grateful for blogs and social media, which seems lame when I say it out loud but for me, it has been an invaluable tool to express myself in the way that is most potent to me; writing. I think it will be vital to jump-starting my career.
*I'm grateful for derby. And every other physical activity that has captivated my attention for a time. I have been estranged for a bit but I'm grateful for the things that are more interesting than simply going to the gym. They have pulled me out of my funk more times than I can count and I hope to get back to them soon.
*I'm grateful for the curious heart I have. That I have a never satiated desire to learn, to read, to grow, to explore, to travel. I believe that once I break out of these self inflicted chains, I will be unstoppable.
*I'm grateful to be a misfit. Normal sucks and no one gets remembered for being bland. I may be kind of mess but I bet it keeps people talking. I'm rocking what I got.
I have another blog entry coming tonight after Kyle and I have our first budget meeting of our 'Clean Slate'... Thanks for tuning into this candid entry.
XO..
Currently listening to: Rock What You Got by Superchick
