In a surprising mixture of reflecting on the past year of my life and taking some unexpected wisdom from a John Lennon documentary I recently watched, I realized something about myself that may be the deepest, darkest, most messed thing about me... besides the unanimous fact that I am a person and we are all messed up and lost... my particular brand of gross is that I am so very lonely.
Even though I have friends, family that loves me and a husband that is pretty understanding and forgiving of all the crap I bring to our marriage. It's my own fault that I am lonely. I play a cat and mouse game with myself. I start relationships with people and I desire nothing but to be chased and wanted by them. I want to feel desired and cherished. And the moment I reel them in, I slam the door in their face. Because even though I want to be understood, loved, and connected... Sadly, I am afraid of anything real. I've been hurt... a lot... by people I've trusted... and I know everyone has.... but I let myself stop truly living because of it. I never really got over not being loved by my father. It probably sounds trite, it happens to a lot of girls... I tried to shove it down and move on, but it has used up more of my life force than I'd like to admit.
What's sad is even though I took a step and committed to my man on paper, I've had one foot out the door the entire time. I've been running my entire life. Just waiting for someone to mess up and give me an excuse to flee for my life. Being married has made it more difficult to pack up and leave, but I've been keeping a tally until I have big enough pile to push me out the door. What I realized about my marriage today, in realizing this about myself, is that I can't truly expect anything from Kyle if I don't know what I want from him myself. I keep asking him to do things in circles. Come closer, give me space, be more, be less, grow up, don't be so intense. I'm driving him crazy. I'm driving myself crazy. I'm not saying he's perfect, but I'm not giving him any room or grace to grow. I'm not giving that grace to myself either. I can't keep looking back or grimmacing as I move forward because I'm afraid I'm going to get punched in the face again and again... I have to live right now. I have to start seeing that he's here. He hasn't gone anywhere.
It's going to take me a long time to heal over my past. But I'm grateful that I even have the desire to heal. That I want to make amends, be genuine, kind, raw, real and connected. I love my husband. I want to keep loving him. Today I realize that means learning to love myself enough to let my heart heal. I don't know what else to say. Writing this, I'm admittedly crying, but I think it's a good thing. I think it's a new beginning for me. And thank God for new beginnings.
Showing posts with label full heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label full heart. Show all posts
9/13/13
Feeling alive for the first time in a while.
I feel freaking amazing!
I don't know if it's because I had a really intense time of prayer and worship the other night, but ever since then, I have had a very different perspective on just about everything. I have been trying to be authentic to my character and since starting in the place that is most important to me, I have been able to let my heart shine and sing. I feel rejuvinated, recuperated, revived!
I wrote the first page of my novel. It's wobbly, and I have no idea how to tie the overarching theme around all the bits and pieces I have in my head, but it's a start and that's more than I can say for the last year of my life. I'm also going to sign up for my first 5k next month. Even though I think I could be more prepared, I'm just going to do it. The worst that can happen is that I walk some of it. I'm doing it, I don't care. And then I'm going to do another one in the spring with Gigi. I'm singing again... very loudly. In front of people... In the shower. I am even contemplating getting a she&him like duo together with any of my talented singer/guitar player friends. I'm wondering where I can start volunteering and getting involved with my community. I feel good about myself again... I mean, I am nowhere near the kind of healthy that I want to be... my body still hurts from the weight but I am learning to love myself despite what I've been through.AND!!! I can't believe I waited so long to talk about this; I'M FINALLY GOING TO EUROPE!!! I'm going to visit my friend, Morven in Scotland. I decided I just have to do it. i have to go and get the things I want or I will never get them. I should have done it long ago, but I was afraid. I'm not going to be afraid anymore. That's dumb. Life it too short, and like I said to Kyle last night, I want to hand my kid a shoebox full of photos and movies I made from all the wild adventures we had.
I feel alive for the first time in a long time. I'm making some break throughs, emotionally and I'm starting to feel mended.
My heart is totally full!
XO
Elle
I don't know if it's because I had a really intense time of prayer and worship the other night, but ever since then, I have had a very different perspective on just about everything. I have been trying to be authentic to my character and since starting in the place that is most important to me, I have been able to let my heart shine and sing. I feel rejuvinated, recuperated, revived!
I wrote the first page of my novel. It's wobbly, and I have no idea how to tie the overarching theme around all the bits and pieces I have in my head, but it's a start and that's more than I can say for the last year of my life. I'm also going to sign up for my first 5k next month. Even though I think I could be more prepared, I'm just going to do it. The worst that can happen is that I walk some of it. I'm doing it, I don't care. And then I'm going to do another one in the spring with Gigi. I'm singing again... very loudly. In front of people... In the shower. I am even contemplating getting a she&him like duo together with any of my talented singer/guitar player friends. I'm wondering where I can start volunteering and getting involved with my community. I feel good about myself again... I mean, I am nowhere near the kind of healthy that I want to be... my body still hurts from the weight but I am learning to love myself despite what I've been through.AND!!! I can't believe I waited so long to talk about this; I'M FINALLY GOING TO EUROPE!!! I'm going to visit my friend, Morven in Scotland. I decided I just have to do it. i have to go and get the things I want or I will never get them. I should have done it long ago, but I was afraid. I'm not going to be afraid anymore. That's dumb. Life it too short, and like I said to Kyle last night, I want to hand my kid a shoebox full of photos and movies I made from all the wild adventures we had.
I feel alive for the first time in a long time. I'm making some break throughs, emotionally and I'm starting to feel mended.
My heart is totally full!
XO
Elle
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