Feeling alive for the first time in a while.

I feel freaking amazing!

I don't know if it's because I had a really intense time of prayer and worship the other night, but ever since then, I have had a very different perspective on just about everything. I have been trying to be authentic to my character and since starting in the place that is most important to me, I have been able to let my heart shine and sing. I feel rejuvinated, recuperated, revived!

I wrote the first page of my novel. It's wobbly, and I have no idea how to tie the overarching theme around all the bits and pieces I have in my head, but it's a start and that's more than I can say for the last year of my life. I'm also going to sign up for my first 5k next month. Even though I think I could be more prepared, I'm just going to do it. The worst that can happen is that I walk some of it. I'm doing it, I don't care. And then I'm going to do another one in the spring with Gigi. I'm singing again... very loudly. In front of people... In the shower. I am even contemplating getting a she&him like duo together with any of my talented singer/guitar player friends. I'm wondering where I can start volunteering and getting involved with my community. I feel good about myself again... I mean, I am nowhere near the kind of healthy that I want to be... my body still hurts from the weight but I am learning to love myself despite what I've been through.AND!!! I can't believe I waited so long to talk about this; I'M FINALLY GOING TO EUROPE!!! I'm going to visit my friend, Morven in Scotland. I decided I just have to do it. i have to go and get the things I want or I will never get them. I should have done it long ago, but I was afraid. I'm not going to be afraid anymore. That's dumb. Life it too short, and like I said to Kyle last night, I want to hand my kid a shoebox full of photos and movies I made from all the wild adventures we had.

I feel alive for the first time in a long time. I'm making some break throughs, emotionally and I'm starting to feel mended.

My heart is totally full!

XO

Elle

The Brightest Lights; freedom

I've been grieving a bit. I know considering the date, my civic duty should be to talk about how the grief is still heavy from the events of more than a decade ago. I still care and I still feel it, but my pain at current is for the pieces of myself I have let be buried under the explosion of my life. The person I am is trying to escape the rubble. She's been clawing and scrapping to be set free and I've been suffocating her. I've been trying to be pragmatic for longer than I can even try to point a finger at. The problem, for me anyway, with pragmatism is that I don't feel real feelings when I'm sensibly picking out classes for a career I don't really want anything to do with. Or deciding to stay home from a spontaneous road trip in favor of saving gas money. Or not going on a mission trip because that money could be mortgage money.

I used to love music. Almost more than anything else. I used to measure my life by songs. And sometimes, in the most inappropriate moments, melodic words want to bubble out of my throat.

I never used to feel more alive than when my pants were dirty with paint and there was charcoal and clay underneath my finger nails.

The only thing I've ever really done consistently is write. I have a bin full of journals that I used to work through my life with. I crave words. They are the currency that my soul thrives on. It's all that I want from anyone, more than anything. It is my love language.

I don't even care anymore how I got to a place where I'm not doing these things. I just want to change. Right now. I am no longer the woman who does things she doesn't want to do or acts like someone she's not.

I am a writer. I am an artist. I am a lover of music. I am alive.

Don't be normal: Letting go of falling in line, caring what people think, and taking off ideals that don't fit.

I'll do what I want.

It sounds willful and defiant. Like it's falling out of the mouth of a child. And as I say that, I stop and wonder why that's such a bad thing in context to how I feel now. I will do anything I want. As an adult, I've fallen in line with everyone else for way too long because that's what I thought I was "supposed" to do. I'm excellent at being submissive to the ideals of our culture and yet, I disagree with most of it. Which has in turn, made me miserable. I wrote a post similar to this on a different blog, regarding my faith and how it is the thing I cherish most in life but I don't show it very often because I fear what others will think about me.

So far in my life, it has gotten me nowhere, caring what other people think. It has gotten me nowhere but at breakneck speed. This is MY life, darn it. I don't know if I deserve it if I let anyone other than myself and God influence my decisions. Why do I cringe to myself every time I have a new business idea? Because the thought of sharing it yet again, for people to think how flighty and indecisive I am and how my career has been after me for ages to get married and I just can't commit. So what?! I wouldn't settle down with any old guy, I don't know why people expect me to settle down with any old career. I have standards. Another puzzling thing I seem to care about is my perceived intelligence. I have been in gifted classes and on the honor roll since the third grade. Stabilized IQ scores have been called into question, but it was high enough last time I was tested, that I can consider applying to Mensa. I come from a family of certifiable geniuses. My ability to use context clues and pick up on things that most people miss or don't want to admit is undeniable. Why do I freaking care if anyone thinks otherwise?! The million business ideas? ONE OF THEM IS GOING TO STICK ONE DAY AND MY BRAIN WILL BE THE BRAIN THAT THOUGHT IT UP.

So what if I wanted a blue wedding dress or that I want to have pink hair most of the time. Who the hell cares if I don't enjoy being a homeowner and would rather live in a studio or loft and be a minimalist!? What does it matter to anyone else if I fantasize about traveling around the country in a camper, gypsy style?? I have experienced "normal" and it made me so miserable, that I've been depressed and nearly suicidal.

Excuse me if I no longer feel like working at a job I HATE to pay for things that I don't even want because that's "what I'm supposed to do". From now on, I will do what I want.

Depression, a long summer and finding my fire again

It's been a month since I last posted. I've got a song playing on my ipod by All Time Low called 'Weightless'. The lyrics go "Manage me, I'm a mess. Turn a page, I'm a book half unread. I'm stuck in this effin rut, waiting for a second hand pick me up... I'm over getting older. Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year. I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere. This is my reaction to everything I fear... I've been going crazy, I don't want to waste another minute here."

I got really depressed the last couple of weeks. I let myself get stuck in a rut... It's difficult for me to crawl out of those funks. I've struggled with depression my entire life. For a long time I tried to ignore it and pretend it did't affect me; and then wonder why I was always so messed up. I finally learned to accept that it was a part of me and that I should try to deal with it. This blog was part of my way of working through things. But I have a hard time being honest about the times that I struggle, personally. I don't want people to see me fall apart, so rather than admit what I'm actually going through, I just stop being as transparent. I hide. So for the sake of trying to get over my issues... here's some brutal and uncomfortable (for me) honesty.

At the end of July, I had to euthanize my beloved cat, Hadley. I got her when she was 8 weeks old, and shortly after that, she developed a weird skin condition that caused her to itch her face raw... that I spent the next three years trying to cure. I dragged her to the vet many a time, only to find that they would just pump her full of steroids and send us home. The cycle would start all over again when the meds ran out. I tried everything I could possibly think of. We cleaned, we painted, we got rid of the carpets, we gave her special food and made sure that she didn't eat out of plastic bowls. We tried flea dips, special shampoos, holistic creams and oils, raw food, vitamin e, sardines for her coat, plastic tips for her nails and the dreaded cone. She spent half her life in that bloody thing. Most of the photos I have left are of her with a crusty face and half of her fur gone. It was time. That's not to say it didn't break my heart into a million pieces. I cried for three days. I miss her all the time...  That's what really sent me spiraling recently.

There's been other things. But I wasn't really thinking about them, I was just doing what I have to do. One is probably the fact that my marriage is really difficult. Like.... what?! I don't even know how we got here... I assume this is what we call a rough patch, I just didn't anticipate how hard it was going to be just to talk to him sometimes. I love him. He is my best friend. However, in instances like this evening, doing our budget together for the first time in a very long time was super laborious. We fight hard and I just wish either of us would freaking get it together and read a book on communication or something. I think we are going to kill each other.. maybe... then he turns around and tells me how beautiful I am. I can't tell if we are really resilient or really toxic.

Speaking of the budget, our financial life is atrocious. We were on a really good path for a while; paying off debt and keeping a good budget but then something happened. I'm not even sure what but we stopped talking about everything and he let me just start handling it all. I think that made me shut down because I stopped being 'good with the money' ... I spent... And I ate.. a lot. This has actually been a really long five years of my life. Nearly since the beginning of Kyle's and my relationship, we've had to overcome stuff... Stuff that I wasn't really prepared to deal with. I don't know... I don't want to spend this entire post complaining, I just don't know where to start to really sort through all this crap. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I used to have a lot of fire and passion and I just let it burn out.

I think I have to start by simply admitting that it has been my choices that have lead me down this path. There is no one to blame or congratulate for my successes and failures except me. I don't know if that is necessarily going to help or cure the clinical part of my issues... hormones are hormones but maybe I can jump start something in me again... If I truly start to believe that I am responsible for all the crappy things I have going on, maybe I can start to be responsible for making good things happen for myself too.. Like getting motivated enough to find a job that doesn't bore me to tears. Or to lose the weight I've been lugging around for the last five years, or to get started on my novel, or be a better wife, or work with my husband to get us into a better position in our finances and learn to communicate better with him, or get up the guts to finally apply to mensa.

I don't want to carry this shit anymore. I don't want to be this person anymore. I just gotta find my fire again.

Der Holle Rache... or Worthwhile things take drive and dedication

Diana Damrau as The Queen of the Night in Mozart's The Magic Flute

I had something else prepared for today's post, but I'm feeling really inspired (and kinda saucy, so I'm gonna shake it up a bit) by my most FAVORITE piece of music ever; Mozart's Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen ("Hell's vengeance boils in my heart") from The Magic Flute.

The Magic Flute is one of Mozart's most famous operas. It's a story about enlightenment, wisdom, love, adventure, trials, get-the-girl, antagonists, courage, triumph and happily ever after. All the right ingredients for a highly compelling story. One of the reasons for its popularity, aside from the story itself, is The Queen of the Night's second aria, where-in she's furiously telling her daughter that if her daughter doesn't assassinate Sarastro (who refuses to put up with The Queen of the Night's crap) she will disown her. (Lash out irrationally, much?)Despite piece's narcissistic tendencies, it sounds bubbly and delightful. It is also one of THE most difficult pieces for singers today to try to learn. Mozart wrote Der Holle Rache specifically for his sister-in-law. Apparently, her vocal range included F4-F6; F6 being the highest note you can hit... Only a handful of singers have been able to replicate the aria, eventually, having to give up the performance or alternatively, wreck their vocal cords.

This strikes a chord (haha. music, get it?) with me. I get chills just as much thinking about this information as I do listening to the aria. The piece is incredible. I'm not even an opera singer and I'd give my left arm to be able to make those notes bubble out of my lungs. What's particularly moving for me, is the fact that a special few Coloratura Sopranos dedicated & focused themselves to a piece of music that they only could perform for a very short amount of time. There is no question about the options when attempting, Der Holle Rache... Sing it until your voice gives out, or give up the piece, eventually.

Here's where I get to my point. We should take this kind of dedication into our everyday lives. Can we all sing the most famous aria in all of history? No. But we all have passions. We should do more of the things that bring us so much joy that we'd willingly do for just a little while for the satisfaction of knowing we did them at all. The great part about taking that little lesson into your life, is that usually, the things you love probably won't ruin your livelihood, so you can go ahead and keep doing them... What I'm really trying to say is that if June Anderson or Diana Damrau had chosen to sing Old Macdonald instead of the glorious aria, I wouldn't be mentioning them today. As with these talented ladies, we all have things we are good at and we should embrace them and do them because no one ever left a mark on the world by playing it safe. Nothing worth doing comes easy. That means that the good stuff requires your energy, dedication and heart. Just watch this video of Diana Damrau recording the piece. Watch her face and how much energy and passion she poured into learning it. It'll really drive it home for you.


http://youtu.be/FMPv8mADpA4

Make a commitment for yourself to point out your passions and go after them, do them well, and leave a legacy behind. The payoff is glorious.  Whatever it is, whatever popped into your mind as you were reading this... it's hidden there, somewhere in your heart and it deserves to be brought to light.


What are your passions? What drives you? And what are you going to commit to doing that will be difficult but great in the end?