Grateful....

I think a good way to start my clean slate is to finish up my list of things I'm thankful for from my participation in November's facebook tradition. My fb app isn't showing my entire wall, so I forgot where I stopped but I think I need to finish up with like ten things. Here goes:

*I'm going to say it, even if I don't always feel it and I complain about it pretty often because it gives me anxiety and panic attacks, I AM grateful to have a job and getting a paycheck, particularly at this time in Kyle & my's life. The problem I have, is that I am often thinking about the next step of my journey. I know that I am not meant to be a rate surveyor for the rest of my life. I get resentful when people start telling me to be grateful and that being hopeful or wanting to dream is stupid and that 'nothing is out there'... I've had that argument more than I can wrap my head around and so my attitude has soured, and it's mostly because of people forcing their ideas down my throat. I don't care about this economy being weak... that has nothing to do with my ability to get my dream gig... there's people getting jobs and being successful because they persistently made hilarious vines or ridiculous songs... The creative spirit is alive and well and I still choose to believe in that and that it will get me out of here someday. When I am grieving over the job I have, it's because I know where I am going and I'm getting a little impatient. I'm a caged bird and that's all there is to it. That being said, yes, having money to pay bills is great, that doesn't mean it doesn't feel like a burden sometimes. I have been homeless, I have had so little, I have eaten meals in cars because there was no place to go... that has never dampened my happiness or broken my spirit. Money isn't the most important thing in the world to me. We've had enough money to pay the bills and buy a house, but that didn't make our marriage better or our dreams come true. I think what is happening is that I have a different view of the world but I allowed myself to go down a road that wasn't fitting to me. I realize it now and what seems like ungratefulness is my unwillingness to be satisfied in a costume that doesn't fit. I'd give up everything to be fulfilled and have honest and real relationships. So maybe this job is more than a paycheck, it's making me realize what I don't want. That being said, we made the choices we made and now we have to clean up our mess. I will cherish this job as best as I can insofar as it helps us pay off our debt and dig ourselves out of this house and the needless consumption that comes along with it. Sorry for that small rant, I have just been struggling with people forcing the idea on me that 'this is the best I'll ever get'... I'm seeking excellence for myself... There's no shame in that.

*I'm grateful for my husband. There's so much of my heart that I want to pour out over this sentence but I know it'll never be a complete thought because we are always growing and changing. God is teaching me a lot through my marriage and I can't wait to see how He uses the both of us together. I've never loved anybody like I love Kyle. Being with him has made me understand what real love is. I'm going to be admittedly cheesy and say that Pat Benetar's famous 80s song, Love Is A Battlefield comes to my mind and is fairly accurate. I used to get mad that Kyle wasn't more romantic in the traditional sense. I wanted more flowers and poetry. What I found in the last five years is that I fall more in love with him when he takes the trash out so I don't have to; when he helps me figure out how to navigate through a problem, when he gets up early and comes to church with me, when he holds me and lets me cry when things get unbearable- even if he doesn't know what to say. I fall more in love with him when I feel unlovable and he stays. I was raised with the idea of conditional love. Kyle has been a living example of sticking it out when the love and marriage is messy. I love when he admits when he's messed up instead of turning it around on me like others have done. I love how he is quick to forgive me when I mess up. He may have been my lover in the beginning, but he truly has become my best friend.

*I'm grateful for my relationship with Jesus Christ. It's the only thing that has saved my life. Some people don't understand why I'd put my hope in someone I can't see but the truth is, I CAN see Him. I see how He's changed me and is still changing me. The days that I am the most hopeful, positive, fulfilled and uplifted are the days I have spent praying and reading The Word. The days when I am struggling, complaining and hard-hearted are when I haven't been seeking His face. You become like the people you spend time with. I love the person I become when I spend time with God. That's not to say that things get easier, everything just becomes dim compared to the glory and peace I find in His refuge. I have a lot of goals but the only thing I truly care about, at the heart of my life, is living a life seeking God and becoming more of the person He intended me to be.

*I am grateful for the relationships that I have that are genuine and edifying. I have realized that nothing in this life is more important than our relationships. If everything was stripped away, that is all we'd have. I give honest thanks for the people who have cared to connect with me and stick around even when I couldn't always be the person I should have or could have been.

*I'm grateful that someday, I will be the person I want to be. I'm grateful that I still have hope in my bones, even when they get tired. I'm grateful that I still have the desire to be a healthy, happy and whole person, however long it may be taking me to get there. There journey is making me stronger.

*A little shallow, comparatively, but I am really grateful for music. It has been my catalyst sometimes where words alone fail. It has helped me survive this job when my mind is weak and bored. It has helped me get up and move when my body was tired. It has helped me mend from break ups and inspired my creativity. It has helped me say things I didn't know how to say. It helped me fall in love with my husband when he made me mixes of things he didn't know how to say either. It has inspired connection and community with other people, as well.

*I'm grateful for the opportunity to share my words. I guess that means I'm grateful for blogs and social media, which seems lame when I say it out loud but for me, it has been an invaluable tool to express myself in the way that is most potent to me; writing. I think it will be vital to jump-starting my career.

*I'm grateful for derby. And every other physical activity that has captivated my attention for a time. I have been estranged for a bit but I'm grateful for the things that are more interesting than simply going to the gym. They have pulled me out of my funk more times than I can count and I hope to get back to them soon.

*I'm grateful for the curious heart I have. That I have a never satiated desire to learn, to read, to grow, to explore, to travel. I believe that once I break out of these self inflicted chains, I will be unstoppable.

*I'm grateful to be a misfit. Normal sucks and no one gets remembered for being bland. I may be kind of mess but I bet it keeps people talking. I'm rocking what I got.



I have another blog entry coming tonight after Kyle and I have our first budget meeting of our 'Clean Slate'... Thanks for tuning into this candid entry.

XO..

Currently listening to: Rock What You Got by Superchick

Being intentional about life, purpose, career and plans. What we are doing over the next weeks and year.

I've got a couple of things on my mind this morning.

I keep writing more than I mean to about something I've been encountering lately. I don't want to speak too much negativity, I think I did enough of that yesterday. All I want to say is that I made a conscious decision to be an open book for people. I made that choice to be relate-able and encouraging. There isn't much I edit, purely for the sake of being genuine. To that point, I am on a journey and where my thoughts are poor sometimes, there is usually a subsequent pattern of growth. I'm not going to go into why I'm explaining this but if you didn't understand my vision for this blog and my life, I hope you do now. That is all I have to say about that.

Secondly, and more exciting... I listened to a book called Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average and Do Work That Matters. JON ACUFF has written more than one book on the topic of finding fulfilling work, so in case you were wondering where I got this 'grande idea' of loving your work, I'll point you in the direction of someone who's done it, even in 'this crazy economy where no one can find jobs!!!!!' While you're at it, check out DAVE RAMSEY, too. They'll rock your ideas about money, careers, purpose, family and financial planning.  I digress. Jon Acuff shared an in depth audit that I am going to do about putting an action plan in place to pursue my dreams. The problem I've always had is a) committing to a career and b) figuring out where to start. Now that I got married to writing as a career, I was sort of at a loss about what step to take next. I'm going to be spending the next couple of weeks making a plan. I can't wait to get started.

Thirdly,  Kyle and I are moving. Yes. Moving. Back to Philadelphia, hopefully around the spring/summer time. We still have some things to work out but the house is on the market and we are actively working on packing and down-sizing. If you haven't heard it from us yet, this is the official announcement! We are more than excited to be going back to our old community, friends, church and neighborhood. That's not to say I'm not crushed about leaving behind my mom and dad, sister, brother-in-law and niece plus all of the amazing friends I have made here over the last ten years. My comfort, in that respect, is that now instead of making weekend trips to Philly, we will be packing up the car and heading to good ol' Berks county for friendly visits! We just feel that going back to the city will offer some better opportunities for us and a chance to heal and lick our wounds from the last five years. If you've been following along, we've been through some tough stuff. However, we are not giving up, we are re-grouping and moving forward. We are excited, passionate and purposeful about our future.

That is all for now!! XO.

Career Goals: Why it took me eight years to figure out what I want.

This year, has been very moving for me, personally. I am experiencing a holistic growth spurt. What I mean by that, is that I've been experiencing growth in many aspects of my life and I must say that I don't think I've been handling it very well. At least, in my mind. Many people say I am way too hard on myself and maybe that's true and maybe outwardly, I've been able to conduct myself almost wholly sane, but inside I feel like my whole chest and brain are about to explode into a million pieces of pink confetti. But... I can altogether say that all of this is good. The fire has left me more refined. At least in the way of unpacking and sorting through more of my baggage. I feel like crap for the attitude of my heart this last year but I am thrilled about the layers that have been stripped away from me over the course of it.

      I think that learning more about my hurts and scars and finally having the guts to look at them has helped me be more authentic. I just want to be honest, even if that means sharing things that make me uncomfortable. Digging through all of this crap has opened my eyes about a lot of things, especially pertaining to my marriage and other relationships. It has made me more aware of myself, who I want to be, and how to get there. I'm still struggling but I don't think that's ever going to go away. As long as I keep fighting.

     I didn't really mean for this post to be super introspective; all I really wanted to talk about was finally being able to commit to something as far as my career is concerned. But I have a lot on my plate at the moment plus I think it all ties in. My past has sort of made me commitment-phobic and finally taking a good long look at where I came from seems to be helping me make more sense of where I am going.

      With that said, I have taken steps to finally go after a career that I can be proud of and excited to get up for everyday. I've started an application to Penn State to finish my undergrad in Advertising/Public Relations and Strategic Communications. It sounds fancy, but I'll basically just be working with businesses to make sure their interactions with the public and other businesses is squeaky clean, creative, well thought out and perfectly executed. I'll also have the chance (and I fully plan on taking the opportunity) to work freelance to create any copy that businesses might need. Pamphlets, newsletters, website copy, logos, etc.

      It might sound boring to some but I like to learn and I like to write. I also like to convince people of my point and what is a copywriter but a salesman behind a typewriter? I feel really good about this and I feel like it's going to help quell my insatiable appetite for new projects because I'll always get to work with someone different with something different to bring to the table.

       I know that I've been through a lot of perspective careers since I graduated from high school, but as I said to my aunt in a  text recently, "I may not be the kind of girl that needed to spend months and months looking for the perfect wedding gown, but I needed to make sure that my career was a good fit." I bought my wedding dress in five minutes. That's not even an exaggeration. I saw it in the store, tried it on, rung it up. I was only going to wear it for ONE day. What did it matter? And seeing that my wedding day was more for the benefit of our loved ones, I was a little cavalier about the whole thing. However, a career... something that I had to go to everyday, spend time educating myself about, tying my life around... That was very difficult for me. I had really cold feet when it came to nailing something down for myself. Also, I'd be the only one to blame if I hated it. So, I spent a ton of time.... 8 years, to be precise, foraying into different paths. Convincing myself of why each new endeavor was a good fit. I don't know if I ever stopped to take time to just listen to my instincts.

       This time, it feels right. As I said, I've been cleaning proverbial house and I've been quiet long enough to hear what is inside of my soul and the song is getting lighter.

My heart experienced a revolution...

        In a surprising mixture of reflecting on the past year of my life and taking some unexpected wisdom from a John Lennon documentary I recently watched, I realized something about myself that may be the deepest, darkest, most messed thing about me... besides the unanimous fact that I am a person and we are all messed up and lost... my particular brand of gross is that I am so very lonely.

         Even though I have friends, family that loves me and a husband that is pretty understanding and forgiving of all the crap I bring to our marriage. It's my own fault that I am lonely. I play a cat and mouse game with myself. I start relationships with people and I desire nothing but to be chased and wanted by them. I want to feel desired and cherished. And the moment I reel them in, I slam the door in their face. Because even though I want to be understood, loved, and connected... Sadly, I am afraid of anything real. I've been hurt... a lot... by people I've trusted... and I know everyone has.... but I let myself stop truly living because of it. I never really got over not being loved by my father. It probably sounds trite, it happens to a lot of girls... I tried to shove it down and move on, but it has used up more of my life force than I'd like to admit.

         What's sad is even though I took a step and committed to my man on paper, I've had one foot out the door the entire time. I've been running my entire life. Just waiting for someone to mess up and give me an excuse to flee for my life. Being married has made it more difficult to pack up and leave, but I've been keeping a tally until I have big enough pile to push me out the door. What I realized about my marriage today, in realizing this about myself, is that I can't truly expect anything from Kyle if I don't know what I want from him myself. I keep asking him to do things in circles. Come closer, give me space, be more, be less, grow up, don't be so intense. I'm driving him crazy. I'm driving myself crazy. I'm not saying he's perfect, but I'm not giving him any room or grace to grow. I'm not giving that grace to myself either. I can't keep looking back or grimmacing as I move forward because I'm afraid I'm going to get punched in the face again and again... I have to live right now. I have to start seeing that he's here. He hasn't gone anywhere.

         It's going to take me a long time to heal over my past. But I'm grateful that I even have the desire to heal. That I want to make amends, be genuine, kind, raw, real and connected. I love my husband. I want to keep loving him. Today I realize that means learning to love myself enough to let my heart heal. I don't know what else to say. Writing this, I'm admittedly crying, but I think it's a good thing. I think it's a new beginning for me. And thank God for new beginnings.

The Brightest Lights; freedom

I've been grieving a bit. I know considering the date, my civic duty should be to talk about how the grief is still heavy from the events of more than a decade ago. I still care and I still feel it, but my pain at current is for the pieces of myself I have let be buried under the explosion of my life. The person I am is trying to escape the rubble. She's been clawing and scrapping to be set free and I've been suffocating her. I've been trying to be pragmatic for longer than I can even try to point a finger at. The problem, for me anyway, with pragmatism is that I don't feel real feelings when I'm sensibly picking out classes for a career I don't really want anything to do with. Or deciding to stay home from a spontaneous road trip in favor of saving gas money. Or not going on a mission trip because that money could be mortgage money.

I used to love music. Almost more than anything else. I used to measure my life by songs. And sometimes, in the most inappropriate moments, melodic words want to bubble out of my throat.

I never used to feel more alive than when my pants were dirty with paint and there was charcoal and clay underneath my finger nails.

The only thing I've ever really done consistently is write. I have a bin full of journals that I used to work through my life with. I crave words. They are the currency that my soul thrives on. It's all that I want from anyone, more than anything. It is my love language.

I don't even care anymore how I got to a place where I'm not doing these things. I just want to change. Right now. I am no longer the woman who does things she doesn't want to do or acts like someone she's not.

I am a writer. I am an artist. I am a lover of music. I am alive.

Don't be normal: Letting go of falling in line, caring what people think, and taking off ideals that don't fit.

I'll do what I want.

It sounds willful and defiant. Like it's falling out of the mouth of a child. And as I say that, I stop and wonder why that's such a bad thing in context to how I feel now. I will do anything I want. As an adult, I've fallen in line with everyone else for way too long because that's what I thought I was "supposed" to do. I'm excellent at being submissive to the ideals of our culture and yet, I disagree with most of it. Which has in turn, made me miserable. I wrote a post similar to this on a different blog, regarding my faith and how it is the thing I cherish most in life but I don't show it very often because I fear what others will think about me.

So far in my life, it has gotten me nowhere, caring what other people think. It has gotten me nowhere but at breakneck speed. This is MY life, darn it. I don't know if I deserve it if I let anyone other than myself and God influence my decisions. Why do I cringe to myself every time I have a new business idea? Because the thought of sharing it yet again, for people to think how flighty and indecisive I am and how my career has been after me for ages to get married and I just can't commit. So what?! I wouldn't settle down with any old guy, I don't know why people expect me to settle down with any old career. I have standards. Another puzzling thing I seem to care about is my perceived intelligence. I have been in gifted classes and on the honor roll since the third grade. Stabilized IQ scores have been called into question, but it was high enough last time I was tested, that I can consider applying to Mensa. I come from a family of certifiable geniuses. My ability to use context clues and pick up on things that most people miss or don't want to admit is undeniable. Why do I freaking care if anyone thinks otherwise?! The million business ideas? ONE OF THEM IS GOING TO STICK ONE DAY AND MY BRAIN WILL BE THE BRAIN THAT THOUGHT IT UP.

So what if I wanted a blue wedding dress or that I want to have pink hair most of the time. Who the hell cares if I don't enjoy being a homeowner and would rather live in a studio or loft and be a minimalist!? What does it matter to anyone else if I fantasize about traveling around the country in a camper, gypsy style?? I have experienced "normal" and it made me so miserable, that I've been depressed and nearly suicidal.

Excuse me if I no longer feel like working at a job I HATE to pay for things that I don't even want because that's "what I'm supposed to do". From now on, I will do what I want.

"Happiness isn't a real emotion...It's a generalization of positive feedback emotions that exist as a reward for overcoming adversity"

This. weekend. has. been. THE. most emotionally draining couple of days in recent history. I'm kind of at a loss for where to begin explaining. I learned a lot about myself. Stuff I never realized and things that scare the hell out of me.

It all started Friday night, with an argument I got into with Kyle. Things escalated pretty badly until we were both screaming at each other, things were being thrown, words were uttered that can never be retrieved. Married people fight. It's, for sure, a thing... We just haven't had a night like this in so long. I don't know if all the pressure we've been under just boiled up and exploded, but it was something that made me double take at what we've been doing. To be honest, it made me question if we would last. I know it's ridiculous for me to say that coming on the heels of the post I wrote the other day about how we are hanging in there and coping, but I've never really experienced this with Kyle. I've always just adored him and our marriage, despite the difficult things. I always felt like we'd come back together no matter what, since we came together so organically in the first place. My heart hurts, though, because ever since the fight, I've felt distant from him... He doesn't feel like mine, he feels strange in my life. It's pretty scary for me because for the last five years, I've had my best friend. We've always been able to make up and get back to our path. This time, I can't put my finger on the wedge between us that is so cumbersome.

Something else that is sort of view changing and telling is the realizations about myself. Without getting into too much detail, I finally understood that the abuse I received my whole life has shaped the way I view myself and my relationships and I am constantly setting myself up to carry other people's crap, be their punching bags, neglect myself and my feelings and just shut up and take it. I never realized that I don't actually deserve that life. I don't want that life. It's possible that Kyle and my dynamic is skewed because I don't ask him to carry much of the burdens. I just assume I'm supposed to carry it on my own. So he never has a chance to grow from it. I'm not saying he's not any to blame for the crap we deal with... there's plenty he could work on. Mainly his minute grain of empathy and his communication skills when things are hot and scary, but if I was the person I'm supposed to be more often, he might be becoming the person he's supposed to be. Something else that I'm sure ties into my warped sense of myself, is how I have developed a very refined flight response to adversity. When things get difficult... I just run. I've been running for so long. The thing about running away is that even though it's easier to do at the time, it never makes me happy. Usually, what I want is just on the other side of the dragon.

Having just written that, I realized that maybe it's not really a wedge between Kyle and I... maybe it's me just shedding some old skin... It's not that he particularly feels strange, but new. Maybe our relationship is heading into something new. Maybe, if we can learn to fight the dragon together (the dragon being each of us working on the respective baggage we brought into our marriage) instead of fighting each other, we can come out on the other side stronger and better for each other. As difficult as it is, I know God wants me to keep loving Kyle, even when I feel sad or distant or like I just want to run away from it all. Love isn't always how we feel about each other, it's sometimes choosing to stay and fight for each other. 

I'm scared, but it's time to pick up my sword. Stay. Fight. Conquer.

Some ponderings and extractions of growth & strength from my marriage.

I've been thinking about my marriage a lot lately. Sounds silly, because I live in it everyday but sometimes, as human nature allows, I take it for granted. It's easy to get swept up in the grind of daily living, and as the last few months have sketched out for me, I've been a serious pain in the ass for myself and my poor husband. I've been bratty, insensitive, and a negative nancy. I mean, I've been grappling with trying to stay positive but Kyle has seen me fall apart more times than I care to admit. He's also stepped up and led me when I couldn't lead myself. It has caused me to view him in a whole new way, which has caused me to be more vulnerable than I ever have been... with him or anyone else. Where I usually have walls and look for quick exits, I'm learning how to put down oak tree roots with people. I'm learning how to be open again and let my heart be accessible. It may be easier to get hurt when my heart is open, but it's also easier for more love to come in and out.

Being married has been the best growth and stretching experience of my life. These difficult times we've been walking through have revealed a lot of our characters and the strength that our life has conditioned us to. Kyle, as it turns out, is the kind of man that steps up to the plate when we need a grand slam. When all seems muddled and unclear, he makes some sense out of the mess. As we grow older, I can see that he is the kind of man I can follow and trust him to get us where we are going. As for me, I may not be the captain I always imagined myself to be, but a surprising twist to me, is that I have the unfathomable ability to hang on tight when the winds pick up. I may have little energy for anything else, but I'm clinging to hope, and that's more than I can say for a lot of other people. I may have complained a lot recently, but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and that, along with my inimitable husband & the strength I find in Jesus, has changed my attitude. I know now that no matter what happens, whatever the world strips away from me, nothing matters except relationships and how to love people better. It really all does boil down to Love God, Love people. The rest is circumstantial and as it's becoming obvious, circumstances are ephemeral.

I just want to write an open love offering, first to God, for bringing Kyle to me. For turning every painful step of my life into the path that would lead me to this man. I'm eternally grateful and humbled to be given the special responsibility and honor of caring about and loving someone so precious.

Secondly to Kyle, for pushing me more than I ever thought I could be pushed or even go. For helping me learn more about myself and life than I could possibly learn on my own. Thank you for helping me see that it's lonely business keeping everyone out and at a distance, that nothing worth having is easy, and that going forward, even when a person is scared, is what strengthens character. You are my best friend, love and captain.

I was just discussing the concept of soul mates with a friend. It is my belief that you don't find your soul mate... You choose someone worthy of your heart, and then they become your soul mate. The difficult and strenuous times mold and shape us so we fit together perfectly. The hard times are good for us, because they grow us. These last couple months have pushed and tested Kyle and I... it is these times that are drawing us together. He is my soul mate and I know in my heart, that we are here for the long haul.

What are some of the lessons you learned from your marriage? Leave your answers in the comments below.




Listening to: Hey Ya covered by Obadiah Parker

Trading in 'skinny' for Strength

I made a facebook update about this yesterday, but I felt like I needed to expound upon my thoughts. After clocking around 30 miles in the last two weeks, I can already feel my legs getting stronger. So much so that I haven't woken myself up with a charlie horse in quite some time and when I get out of bed in the morning, my feet don't hurt nearly as much as they used to. Dealing with plantar fascitis for the last three years has been hellish and debilitating, but the last few weeks have been almost pleasant for my feet and me. I can take stairs easier, walk longer, breathe easier. It's a gorgeous feeling and I feel that way about myself. Some new and ground breaking thoughts sort of came rushing in yesterday and I think it's the most healthy I have ever percieved myself and my goals. I no longer just want to be 'skinny'. I absolutely want to be smaller, but now, it's for the right reasons. Not because someone told me that skinny neccessarily equals beautiful, but because being a smaller person would allow me to do things I haven't been able to do in a long time or ever. Not only do I want to be a smaller person, but I want to be a strong person. I want my body to have strength and grace so that I can enjoy what I'm doing. Three months ago, I couldn't be on my feet for longer than a few hours. Now, I'm marveling at how strong my calves feel and how far they can take me. One of my best friends once told me that I need to make working out a hobby; that I need to get to a point where I enjoyed doing it. I could never understand where he was coming from before because my goals of 'getting skinny' weren't enough to make me want to do the hard work. It was a lazy goal but, now, feeling the rewards of working harder than I ever have is leading me to want to put the time and effort in. Now, I'm addicted to feeling my body strengthen. It is so good. As trite as this sounds, nothing is more fitting for me right now than the Nike slogan, 'Just Do It'. I got to a point where I ran out of excuses and I just went out there and started working for it. Some of the miles are challenging, mentally, but I can't think of many things that are more rewarding than doing the best for your body. I wish I would have gotten here sooner.

Quality time, relationships, tlc and confidence

Well, I had a super long weekend starting from Thursday night. Kyle texted me early in the morning and said he wanted to stay over in Philly so he could get some extra training in the next day. I worked it out so that I could have off on Friday and planned to work on our yard, which desperately needed some labor intensive hours this weekend. I didn't end up doing my normal 8 ish mile walk home that evening, because I knew if I wanted to have enough energy to work outside, I wasn't going to be able to do the trek home. Good thing Berks county, at least, has a few decent taxi services to call upon, despite the very lacking public bus system. The 22 bucks I spent getting home was worth the price to be able to work some earth Friday morning.

I treated myself to some sushi and strawberries with whipped cream when I got home, for the long week I put in... 39 hours of work plus 23 miles of walk. It was a nice quiet evening and I fell asleep with my dog next to me. Friday morning came early. Rachel woke me up around 8:30 and she took me to Home Depot so I could buy a new lawn mower, finally. I also picked up an electric chainsaw so I could begin chopping down the awful bushes that have been taking over my yard for way too long. I can't begin to describe the feeling that overcame as I began hacking away at the terror trees. Anyway, I spent a good amount of time putting the lawn mower together with only one of the right size wrenches I needed and a vise grip... sonuva-b. That was annoying but supremely exciting when I finally got it all together and revved up the engine. Ellie was excited too... I had to keep yelling at her to get away from the mower so she wouldn't get her little paws chopped off. She such a silly pants sometimes.The yard looks better, but we still have a long way to go. I also need to call the electric company to get them to come and trim the trees where the branches are hanging out with the power lines. Soon enough, the yard will be pretty and I won't feel like the Clampits of the neighborhood.

Friday night, I watched this mini series called The Runaway. It. Broke. My. Heart! Holy crap... it was seedy and devastating. It's Monday morning and I'm still tearing up at the thought of some of the things I saw and how well the actors portrayed them. I know it wasn't real and it's based off of a crime novel, but I can't help but imagine that somewhere, these things happen. I mean obviously, they do, I just don't think about it because I never have to really see it. The piece was so moving that it was something else I added to the column of reasons why I'd like to adopt a baby. I want to save someone from the heartache of the things I watched. So heavy:(

Saturday night, I got to spend time with some of Kyle's friends that I hadn't, previously. We played Cards Against Humanity, ate pizza and I got to try a gluten free beer called, Angry Orchard, which was delicioso! I had a really great time with them and am happy that they are good people and Kyle has some more people he can lean on & care about. I think good friends really make someone a well rounded person.

Sunday was spent working more on the yard and then swimming, again, with Kyle's friends. Andrew invited us to his father's house for swimming, games and a cook out. I was nursing a dehydration headache and didn't really start to feel better until later, but I made the best of it. We played Uno and I got to meet Andrew's family.

The weekend was one of the better ones I've had in a long time. I got to spend the first part of it giving our home some much needed tlc and spending quality time with Ellie. Then I got to spend quality time with Rachel when she took me shopping Friday morning. It was a welcome treat after not seeing her for a few weeks, now that she's on a different shift than me. I spent the next two days going out with Kyle and meeting some fun, new friends. I even felt really great getting dressed and putting some make up on. Spending the previous week walking and thinking about my food choices has really boosted my confidence. I even took a 'selfie' to mark the occasion. I made some good choices eating, even though I went off the track a bit with the pizza and cookout, but I still think I'm doing much better. A new acquaintance of mine sent me a link to an interesting food blog that has really funny headers on each post. I got a kick out of it but more importantly, it is a fantastic resource for me to try new, healthy recipes. I'm on my way to a healthier, more thoughtful future. I feel good about where I've been and where I'm headed. Feels good man.

XO.

Here's some photos I remembered to grab over the weekend.

 Got to spend some time with this silly pup! Love her little face<3 .="" br="">

Used my headphones so much in the last two weeks, being active, that I broke them! 

One of the headers from the food blog I was recently shown.  I'll post the link soon.

 

Selfie. I feel like my chest still takes over but I'm really starting to feel fantastic. My feet don't hurt as much and I can feel myself getting stronger. I can't wait to be strong enough to do things like climb and kayak!!! Fit life, here I come!

A healthy salad I had over the weekend. Organic spring mix, blue corn tortilla chips, a broken up cranberry & pistachio bar and pomegranite vinaigrette. To many more healthy choices!



What did you do over the weekend? Tell us in the comments below!