My heart experienced a revolution...

        In a surprising mixture of reflecting on the past year of my life and taking some unexpected wisdom from a John Lennon documentary I recently watched, I realized something about myself that may be the deepest, darkest, most messed thing about me... besides the unanimous fact that I am a person and we are all messed up and lost... my particular brand of gross is that I am so very lonely.

         Even though I have friends, family that loves me and a husband that is pretty understanding and forgiving of all the crap I bring to our marriage. It's my own fault that I am lonely. I play a cat and mouse game with myself. I start relationships with people and I desire nothing but to be chased and wanted by them. I want to feel desired and cherished. And the moment I reel them in, I slam the door in their face. Because even though I want to be understood, loved, and connected... Sadly, I am afraid of anything real. I've been hurt... a lot... by people I've trusted... and I know everyone has.... but I let myself stop truly living because of it. I never really got over not being loved by my father. It probably sounds trite, it happens to a lot of girls... I tried to shove it down and move on, but it has used up more of my life force than I'd like to admit.

         What's sad is even though I took a step and committed to my man on paper, I've had one foot out the door the entire time. I've been running my entire life. Just waiting for someone to mess up and give me an excuse to flee for my life. Being married has made it more difficult to pack up and leave, but I've been keeping a tally until I have big enough pile to push me out the door. What I realized about my marriage today, in realizing this about myself, is that I can't truly expect anything from Kyle if I don't know what I want from him myself. I keep asking him to do things in circles. Come closer, give me space, be more, be less, grow up, don't be so intense. I'm driving him crazy. I'm driving myself crazy. I'm not saying he's perfect, but I'm not giving him any room or grace to grow. I'm not giving that grace to myself either. I can't keep looking back or grimmacing as I move forward because I'm afraid I'm going to get punched in the face again and again... I have to live right now. I have to start seeing that he's here. He hasn't gone anywhere.

         It's going to take me a long time to heal over my past. But I'm grateful that I even have the desire to heal. That I want to make amends, be genuine, kind, raw, real and connected. I love my husband. I want to keep loving him. Today I realize that means learning to love myself enough to let my heart heal. I don't know what else to say. Writing this, I'm admittedly crying, but I think it's a good thing. I think it's a new beginning for me. And thank God for new beginnings.

Feeling alive for the first time in a while.

I feel freaking amazing!

I don't know if it's because I had a really intense time of prayer and worship the other night, but ever since then, I have had a very different perspective on just about everything. I have been trying to be authentic to my character and since starting in the place that is most important to me, I have been able to let my heart shine and sing. I feel rejuvinated, recuperated, revived!

I wrote the first page of my novel. It's wobbly, and I have no idea how to tie the overarching theme around all the bits and pieces I have in my head, but it's a start and that's more than I can say for the last year of my life. I'm also going to sign up for my first 5k next month. Even though I think I could be more prepared, I'm just going to do it. The worst that can happen is that I walk some of it. I'm doing it, I don't care. And then I'm going to do another one in the spring with Gigi. I'm singing again... very loudly. In front of people... In the shower. I am even contemplating getting a she&him like duo together with any of my talented singer/guitar player friends. I'm wondering where I can start volunteering and getting involved with my community. I feel good about myself again... I mean, I am nowhere near the kind of healthy that I want to be... my body still hurts from the weight but I am learning to love myself despite what I've been through.AND!!! I can't believe I waited so long to talk about this; I'M FINALLY GOING TO EUROPE!!! I'm going to visit my friend, Morven in Scotland. I decided I just have to do it. i have to go and get the things I want or I will never get them. I should have done it long ago, but I was afraid. I'm not going to be afraid anymore. That's dumb. Life it too short, and like I said to Kyle last night, I want to hand my kid a shoebox full of photos and movies I made from all the wild adventures we had.

I feel alive for the first time in a long time. I'm making some break throughs, emotionally and I'm starting to feel mended.

My heart is totally full!

XO

Elle

Don't be normal: Letting go of falling in line, caring what people think, and taking off ideals that don't fit.

I'll do what I want.

It sounds willful and defiant. Like it's falling out of the mouth of a child. And as I say that, I stop and wonder why that's such a bad thing in context to how I feel now. I will do anything I want. As an adult, I've fallen in line with everyone else for way too long because that's what I thought I was "supposed" to do. I'm excellent at being submissive to the ideals of our culture and yet, I disagree with most of it. Which has in turn, made me miserable. I wrote a post similar to this on a different blog, regarding my faith and how it is the thing I cherish most in life but I don't show it very often because I fear what others will think about me.

So far in my life, it has gotten me nowhere, caring what other people think. It has gotten me nowhere but at breakneck speed. This is MY life, darn it. I don't know if I deserve it if I let anyone other than myself and God influence my decisions. Why do I cringe to myself every time I have a new business idea? Because the thought of sharing it yet again, for people to think how flighty and indecisive I am and how my career has been after me for ages to get married and I just can't commit. So what?! I wouldn't settle down with any old guy, I don't know why people expect me to settle down with any old career. I have standards. Another puzzling thing I seem to care about is my perceived intelligence. I have been in gifted classes and on the honor roll since the third grade. Stabilized IQ scores have been called into question, but it was high enough last time I was tested, that I can consider applying to Mensa. I come from a family of certifiable geniuses. My ability to use context clues and pick up on things that most people miss or don't want to admit is undeniable. Why do I freaking care if anyone thinks otherwise?! The million business ideas? ONE OF THEM IS GOING TO STICK ONE DAY AND MY BRAIN WILL BE THE BRAIN THAT THOUGHT IT UP.

So what if I wanted a blue wedding dress or that I want to have pink hair most of the time. Who the hell cares if I don't enjoy being a homeowner and would rather live in a studio or loft and be a minimalist!? What does it matter to anyone else if I fantasize about traveling around the country in a camper, gypsy style?? I have experienced "normal" and it made me so miserable, that I've been depressed and nearly suicidal.

Excuse me if I no longer feel like working at a job I HATE to pay for things that I don't even want because that's "what I'm supposed to do". From now on, I will do what I want.

"Happiness isn't a real emotion...It's a generalization of positive feedback emotions that exist as a reward for overcoming adversity"

This. weekend. has. been. THE. most emotionally draining couple of days in recent history. I'm kind of at a loss for where to begin explaining. I learned a lot about myself. Stuff I never realized and things that scare the hell out of me.

It all started Friday night, with an argument I got into with Kyle. Things escalated pretty badly until we were both screaming at each other, things were being thrown, words were uttered that can never be retrieved. Married people fight. It's, for sure, a thing... We just haven't had a night like this in so long. I don't know if all the pressure we've been under just boiled up and exploded, but it was something that made me double take at what we've been doing. To be honest, it made me question if we would last. I know it's ridiculous for me to say that coming on the heels of the post I wrote the other day about how we are hanging in there and coping, but I've never really experienced this with Kyle. I've always just adored him and our marriage, despite the difficult things. I always felt like we'd come back together no matter what, since we came together so organically in the first place. My heart hurts, though, because ever since the fight, I've felt distant from him... He doesn't feel like mine, he feels strange in my life. It's pretty scary for me because for the last five years, I've had my best friend. We've always been able to make up and get back to our path. This time, I can't put my finger on the wedge between us that is so cumbersome.

Something else that is sort of view changing and telling is the realizations about myself. Without getting into too much detail, I finally understood that the abuse I received my whole life has shaped the way I view myself and my relationships and I am constantly setting myself up to carry other people's crap, be their punching bags, neglect myself and my feelings and just shut up and take it. I never realized that I don't actually deserve that life. I don't want that life. It's possible that Kyle and my dynamic is skewed because I don't ask him to carry much of the burdens. I just assume I'm supposed to carry it on my own. So he never has a chance to grow from it. I'm not saying he's not any to blame for the crap we deal with... there's plenty he could work on. Mainly his minute grain of empathy and his communication skills when things are hot and scary, but if I was the person I'm supposed to be more often, he might be becoming the person he's supposed to be. Something else that I'm sure ties into my warped sense of myself, is how I have developed a very refined flight response to adversity. When things get difficult... I just run. I've been running for so long. The thing about running away is that even though it's easier to do at the time, it never makes me happy. Usually, what I want is just on the other side of the dragon.

Having just written that, I realized that maybe it's not really a wedge between Kyle and I... maybe it's me just shedding some old skin... It's not that he particularly feels strange, but new. Maybe our relationship is heading into something new. Maybe, if we can learn to fight the dragon together (the dragon being each of us working on the respective baggage we brought into our marriage) instead of fighting each other, we can come out on the other side stronger and better for each other. As difficult as it is, I know God wants me to keep loving Kyle, even when I feel sad or distant or like I just want to run away from it all. Love isn't always how we feel about each other, it's sometimes choosing to stay and fight for each other. 

I'm scared, but it's time to pick up my sword. Stay. Fight. Conquer.

Some ponderings and extractions of growth & strength from my marriage.

I've been thinking about my marriage a lot lately. Sounds silly, because I live in it everyday but sometimes, as human nature allows, I take it for granted. It's easy to get swept up in the grind of daily living, and as the last few months have sketched out for me, I've been a serious pain in the ass for myself and my poor husband. I've been bratty, insensitive, and a negative nancy. I mean, I've been grappling with trying to stay positive but Kyle has seen me fall apart more times than I care to admit. He's also stepped up and led me when I couldn't lead myself. It has caused me to view him in a whole new way, which has caused me to be more vulnerable than I ever have been... with him or anyone else. Where I usually have walls and look for quick exits, I'm learning how to put down oak tree roots with people. I'm learning how to be open again and let my heart be accessible. It may be easier to get hurt when my heart is open, but it's also easier for more love to come in and out.

Being married has been the best growth and stretching experience of my life. These difficult times we've been walking through have revealed a lot of our characters and the strength that our life has conditioned us to. Kyle, as it turns out, is the kind of man that steps up to the plate when we need a grand slam. When all seems muddled and unclear, he makes some sense out of the mess. As we grow older, I can see that he is the kind of man I can follow and trust him to get us where we are going. As for me, I may not be the captain I always imagined myself to be, but a surprising twist to me, is that I have the unfathomable ability to hang on tight when the winds pick up. I may have little energy for anything else, but I'm clinging to hope, and that's more than I can say for a lot of other people. I may have complained a lot recently, but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and that, along with my inimitable husband & the strength I find in Jesus, has changed my attitude. I know now that no matter what happens, whatever the world strips away from me, nothing matters except relationships and how to love people better. It really all does boil down to Love God, Love people. The rest is circumstantial and as it's becoming obvious, circumstances are ephemeral.

I just want to write an open love offering, first to God, for bringing Kyle to me. For turning every painful step of my life into the path that would lead me to this man. I'm eternally grateful and humbled to be given the special responsibility and honor of caring about and loving someone so precious.

Secondly to Kyle, for pushing me more than I ever thought I could be pushed or even go. For helping me learn more about myself and life than I could possibly learn on my own. Thank you for helping me see that it's lonely business keeping everyone out and at a distance, that nothing worth having is easy, and that going forward, even when a person is scared, is what strengthens character. You are my best friend, love and captain.

I was just discussing the concept of soul mates with a friend. It is my belief that you don't find your soul mate... You choose someone worthy of your heart, and then they become your soul mate. The difficult and strenuous times mold and shape us so we fit together perfectly. The hard times are good for us, because they grow us. These last couple months have pushed and tested Kyle and I... it is these times that are drawing us together. He is my soul mate and I know in my heart, that we are here for the long haul.

What are some of the lessons you learned from your marriage? Leave your answers in the comments below.




Listening to: Hey Ya covered by Obadiah Parker

Quality time, relationships, tlc and confidence

Well, I had a super long weekend starting from Thursday night. Kyle texted me early in the morning and said he wanted to stay over in Philly so he could get some extra training in the next day. I worked it out so that I could have off on Friday and planned to work on our yard, which desperately needed some labor intensive hours this weekend. I didn't end up doing my normal 8 ish mile walk home that evening, because I knew if I wanted to have enough energy to work outside, I wasn't going to be able to do the trek home. Good thing Berks county, at least, has a few decent taxi services to call upon, despite the very lacking public bus system. The 22 bucks I spent getting home was worth the price to be able to work some earth Friday morning.

I treated myself to some sushi and strawberries with whipped cream when I got home, for the long week I put in... 39 hours of work plus 23 miles of walk. It was a nice quiet evening and I fell asleep with my dog next to me. Friday morning came early. Rachel woke me up around 8:30 and she took me to Home Depot so I could buy a new lawn mower, finally. I also picked up an electric chainsaw so I could begin chopping down the awful bushes that have been taking over my yard for way too long. I can't begin to describe the feeling that overcame as I began hacking away at the terror trees. Anyway, I spent a good amount of time putting the lawn mower together with only one of the right size wrenches I needed and a vise grip... sonuva-b. That was annoying but supremely exciting when I finally got it all together and revved up the engine. Ellie was excited too... I had to keep yelling at her to get away from the mower so she wouldn't get her little paws chopped off. She such a silly pants sometimes.The yard looks better, but we still have a long way to go. I also need to call the electric company to get them to come and trim the trees where the branches are hanging out with the power lines. Soon enough, the yard will be pretty and I won't feel like the Clampits of the neighborhood.

Friday night, I watched this mini series called The Runaway. It. Broke. My. Heart! Holy crap... it was seedy and devastating. It's Monday morning and I'm still tearing up at the thought of some of the things I saw and how well the actors portrayed them. I know it wasn't real and it's based off of a crime novel, but I can't help but imagine that somewhere, these things happen. I mean obviously, they do, I just don't think about it because I never have to really see it. The piece was so moving that it was something else I added to the column of reasons why I'd like to adopt a baby. I want to save someone from the heartache of the things I watched. So heavy:(

Saturday night, I got to spend time with some of Kyle's friends that I hadn't, previously. We played Cards Against Humanity, ate pizza and I got to try a gluten free beer called, Angry Orchard, which was delicioso! I had a really great time with them and am happy that they are good people and Kyle has some more people he can lean on & care about. I think good friends really make someone a well rounded person.

Sunday was spent working more on the yard and then swimming, again, with Kyle's friends. Andrew invited us to his father's house for swimming, games and a cook out. I was nursing a dehydration headache and didn't really start to feel better until later, but I made the best of it. We played Uno and I got to meet Andrew's family.

The weekend was one of the better ones I've had in a long time. I got to spend the first part of it giving our home some much needed tlc and spending quality time with Ellie. Then I got to spend quality time with Rachel when she took me shopping Friday morning. It was a welcome treat after not seeing her for a few weeks, now that she's on a different shift than me. I spent the next two days going out with Kyle and meeting some fun, new friends. I even felt really great getting dressed and putting some make up on. Spending the previous week walking and thinking about my food choices has really boosted my confidence. I even took a 'selfie' to mark the occasion. I made some good choices eating, even though I went off the track a bit with the pizza and cookout, but I still think I'm doing much better. A new acquaintance of mine sent me a link to an interesting food blog that has really funny headers on each post. I got a kick out of it but more importantly, it is a fantastic resource for me to try new, healthy recipes. I'm on my way to a healthier, more thoughtful future. I feel good about where I've been and where I'm headed. Feels good man.

XO.

Here's some photos I remembered to grab over the weekend.

 Got to spend some time with this silly pup! Love her little face<3 .="" br="">

Used my headphones so much in the last two weeks, being active, that I broke them! 

One of the headers from the food blog I was recently shown.  I'll post the link soon.

 

Selfie. I feel like my chest still takes over but I'm really starting to feel fantastic. My feet don't hurt as much and I can feel myself getting stronger. I can't wait to be strong enough to do things like climb and kayak!!! Fit life, here I come!

A healthy salad I had over the weekend. Organic spring mix, blue corn tortilla chips, a broken up cranberry & pistachio bar and pomegranite vinaigrette. To many more healthy choices!



What did you do over the weekend? Tell us in the comments below!