Budget & Debt Snowball

As promised, I want to update the details of our budget meeting and debt snowball. Probably, our debt snowball will be on pause for a little bit while we get ourselves together, but I will keep everything update as neccessary.

Budget 12/1/13:
Phone bill for November $400 (putting my cashed out sick days onto this immediately, $170)
Car for November $180 (paying this week with my last Nov. paycheck)
Water for November $60 ($30 today, $30 with next bill)
Electric for November $299 ($75 today, $225 with Kyle's first paycheck)

Tires for Kyle $300 (Kyle's first paycheck)
Spark plugs, brakes, oil change for me $100 (Kyle's first paycheck)

Regular expenses:

Electric 70
Water 70
Gas 180
Sewer 20
Auto/Home ins 125
Fuel 200
Life insurance 37
Alarm 37
Internet 75
Hulu 8
Car 180
Gym 25
Host Gator 10
Pets 75
House Supplies 50
Phfa 54
Food 300
Phone 400
-------------------
$1916

We have decided to stop paying the credit cards for now because there's a lot more important things on our plate at the moment... like eating and keeping the lights on. Also, as soon as we are caught up with the phone bill, I'm going to see what I can do about making it cheaper. I may be going back to an inexpensive phone for the moment. You'll notice that our mortgage isn't included in this budget and that is because we are in the process of a short sale. I don't have the energy to talk much more about the house; it has already sucked more life and energy from me than I'd like to admit. You can use google if you are curious about all that a short sale entails. As soon as Kyle gets his first paycheck, we are going to catch up our utilities, take care of some neccessities, (such that I have on my list: new tires for my car, house repairs, get all of our pets to the vet) and then as much as we can is going to go into saving up 3-6 months of rent for our new place in Philly.


Also, here is our debt snowball... We are going to begin working through this, smallest to largest (because we all need wins to keep us going... at the point that we get intense, interest rates don't matter...)

Medical bills:
$60
$60.34
$61.88
$99
$100
$150
$164.25
$395.72
$532
$1000
--------------
$2, 623.19

Credit:
Lindsay $281
HSBC $387
Capitol One $348.70
Belden $469.55
Kyle Best Buy $579.31
Express $590.32
Usaa $600
Capitol One $610
Alana Best Buy $789
Boscov's $798
Lowes $959
Chase $988
Citizens $1900
-----------------------
$9, 299.88

Other:
Car $2600
PHFA $3672.25
-------------------
$6, 272.25

School:
Racc $789
BTI $2755
School $45,000.00
----------------------
$48, 544.00

All Together: $66, 739.32
Paid: $24, 480.07

More to come later with our daily update. Thanks for tuning in!

XO.

Depression, a long summer and finding my fire again

It's been a month since I last posted. I've got a song playing on my ipod by All Time Low called 'Weightless'. The lyrics go "Manage me, I'm a mess. Turn a page, I'm a book half unread. I'm stuck in this effin rut, waiting for a second hand pick me up... I'm over getting older. Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year. I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere. This is my reaction to everything I fear... I've been going crazy, I don't want to waste another minute here."

I got really depressed the last couple of weeks. I let myself get stuck in a rut... It's difficult for me to crawl out of those funks. I've struggled with depression my entire life. For a long time I tried to ignore it and pretend it did't affect me; and then wonder why I was always so messed up. I finally learned to accept that it was a part of me and that I should try to deal with it. This blog was part of my way of working through things. But I have a hard time being honest about the times that I struggle, personally. I don't want people to see me fall apart, so rather than admit what I'm actually going through, I just stop being as transparent. I hide. So for the sake of trying to get over my issues... here's some brutal and uncomfortable (for me) honesty.

At the end of July, I had to euthanize my beloved cat, Hadley. I got her when she was 8 weeks old, and shortly after that, she developed a weird skin condition that caused her to itch her face raw... that I spent the next three years trying to cure. I dragged her to the vet many a time, only to find that they would just pump her full of steroids and send us home. The cycle would start all over again when the meds ran out. I tried everything I could possibly think of. We cleaned, we painted, we got rid of the carpets, we gave her special food and made sure that she didn't eat out of plastic bowls. We tried flea dips, special shampoos, holistic creams and oils, raw food, vitamin e, sardines for her coat, plastic tips for her nails and the dreaded cone. She spent half her life in that bloody thing. Most of the photos I have left are of her with a crusty face and half of her fur gone. It was time. That's not to say it didn't break my heart into a million pieces. I cried for three days. I miss her all the time...  That's what really sent me spiraling recently.

There's been other things. But I wasn't really thinking about them, I was just doing what I have to do. One is probably the fact that my marriage is really difficult. Like.... what?! I don't even know how we got here... I assume this is what we call a rough patch, I just didn't anticipate how hard it was going to be just to talk to him sometimes. I love him. He is my best friend. However, in instances like this evening, doing our budget together for the first time in a very long time was super laborious. We fight hard and I just wish either of us would freaking get it together and read a book on communication or something. I think we are going to kill each other.. maybe... then he turns around and tells me how beautiful I am. I can't tell if we are really resilient or really toxic.

Speaking of the budget, our financial life is atrocious. We were on a really good path for a while; paying off debt and keeping a good budget but then something happened. I'm not even sure what but we stopped talking about everything and he let me just start handling it all. I think that made me shut down because I stopped being 'good with the money' ... I spent... And I ate.. a lot. This has actually been a really long five years of my life. Nearly since the beginning of Kyle's and my relationship, we've had to overcome stuff... Stuff that I wasn't really prepared to deal with. I don't know... I don't want to spend this entire post complaining, I just don't know where to start to really sort through all this crap. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I used to have a lot of fire and passion and I just let it burn out.

I think I have to start by simply admitting that it has been my choices that have lead me down this path. There is no one to blame or congratulate for my successes and failures except me. I don't know if that is necessarily going to help or cure the clinical part of my issues... hormones are hormones but maybe I can jump start something in me again... If I truly start to believe that I am responsible for all the crappy things I have going on, maybe I can start to be responsible for making good things happen for myself too.. Like getting motivated enough to find a job that doesn't bore me to tears. Or to lose the weight I've been lugging around for the last five years, or to get started on my novel, or be a better wife, or work with my husband to get us into a better position in our finances and learn to communicate better with him, or get up the guts to finally apply to mensa.

I don't want to carry this shit anymore. I don't want to be this person anymore. I just gotta find my fire again.

Der Holle Rache... or Worthwhile things take drive and dedication

Diana Damrau as The Queen of the Night in Mozart's The Magic Flute

I had something else prepared for today's post, but I'm feeling really inspired (and kinda saucy, so I'm gonna shake it up a bit) by my most FAVORITE piece of music ever; Mozart's Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen ("Hell's vengeance boils in my heart") from The Magic Flute.

The Magic Flute is one of Mozart's most famous operas. It's a story about enlightenment, wisdom, love, adventure, trials, get-the-girl, antagonists, courage, triumph and happily ever after. All the right ingredients for a highly compelling story. One of the reasons for its popularity, aside from the story itself, is The Queen of the Night's second aria, where-in she's furiously telling her daughter that if her daughter doesn't assassinate Sarastro (who refuses to put up with The Queen of the Night's crap) she will disown her. (Lash out irrationally, much?)Despite piece's narcissistic tendencies, it sounds bubbly and delightful. It is also one of THE most difficult pieces for singers today to try to learn. Mozart wrote Der Holle Rache specifically for his sister-in-law. Apparently, her vocal range included F4-F6; F6 being the highest note you can hit... Only a handful of singers have been able to replicate the aria, eventually, having to give up the performance or alternatively, wreck their vocal cords.

This strikes a chord (haha. music, get it?) with me. I get chills just as much thinking about this information as I do listening to the aria. The piece is incredible. I'm not even an opera singer and I'd give my left arm to be able to make those notes bubble out of my lungs. What's particularly moving for me, is the fact that a special few Coloratura Sopranos dedicated & focused themselves to a piece of music that they only could perform for a very short amount of time. There is no question about the options when attempting, Der Holle Rache... Sing it until your voice gives out, or give up the piece, eventually.

Here's where I get to my point. We should take this kind of dedication into our everyday lives. Can we all sing the most famous aria in all of history? No. But we all have passions. We should do more of the things that bring us so much joy that we'd willingly do for just a little while for the satisfaction of knowing we did them at all. The great part about taking that little lesson into your life, is that usually, the things you love probably won't ruin your livelihood, so you can go ahead and keep doing them... What I'm really trying to say is that if June Anderson or Diana Damrau had chosen to sing Old Macdonald instead of the glorious aria, I wouldn't be mentioning them today. As with these talented ladies, we all have things we are good at and we should embrace them and do them because no one ever left a mark on the world by playing it safe. Nothing worth doing comes easy. That means that the good stuff requires your energy, dedication and heart. Just watch this video of Diana Damrau recording the piece. Watch her face and how much energy and passion she poured into learning it. It'll really drive it home for you.


http://youtu.be/FMPv8mADpA4

Make a commitment for yourself to point out your passions and go after them, do them well, and leave a legacy behind. The payoff is glorious.  Whatever it is, whatever popped into your mind as you were reading this... it's hidden there, somewhere in your heart and it deserves to be brought to light.


What are your passions? What drives you? And what are you going to commit to doing that will be difficult but great in the end? 

Trading in 'skinny' for Strength

I made a facebook update about this yesterday, but I felt like I needed to expound upon my thoughts. After clocking around 30 miles in the last two weeks, I can already feel my legs getting stronger. So much so that I haven't woken myself up with a charlie horse in quite some time and when I get out of bed in the morning, my feet don't hurt nearly as much as they used to. Dealing with plantar fascitis for the last three years has been hellish and debilitating, but the last few weeks have been almost pleasant for my feet and me. I can take stairs easier, walk longer, breathe easier. It's a gorgeous feeling and I feel that way about myself. Some new and ground breaking thoughts sort of came rushing in yesterday and I think it's the most healthy I have ever percieved myself and my goals. I no longer just want to be 'skinny'. I absolutely want to be smaller, but now, it's for the right reasons. Not because someone told me that skinny neccessarily equals beautiful, but because being a smaller person would allow me to do things I haven't been able to do in a long time or ever. Not only do I want to be a smaller person, but I want to be a strong person. I want my body to have strength and grace so that I can enjoy what I'm doing. Three months ago, I couldn't be on my feet for longer than a few hours. Now, I'm marveling at how strong my calves feel and how far they can take me. One of my best friends once told me that I need to make working out a hobby; that I need to get to a point where I enjoyed doing it. I could never understand where he was coming from before because my goals of 'getting skinny' weren't enough to make me want to do the hard work. It was a lazy goal but, now, feeling the rewards of working harder than I ever have is leading me to want to put the time and effort in. Now, I'm addicted to feeling my body strengthen. It is so good. As trite as this sounds, nothing is more fitting for me right now than the Nike slogan, 'Just Do It'. I got to a point where I ran out of excuses and I just went out there and started working for it. Some of the miles are challenging, mentally, but I can't think of many things that are more rewarding than doing the best for your body. I wish I would have gotten here sooner.

Quality time, relationships, tlc and confidence

Well, I had a super long weekend starting from Thursday night. Kyle texted me early in the morning and said he wanted to stay over in Philly so he could get some extra training in the next day. I worked it out so that I could have off on Friday and planned to work on our yard, which desperately needed some labor intensive hours this weekend. I didn't end up doing my normal 8 ish mile walk home that evening, because I knew if I wanted to have enough energy to work outside, I wasn't going to be able to do the trek home. Good thing Berks county, at least, has a few decent taxi services to call upon, despite the very lacking public bus system. The 22 bucks I spent getting home was worth the price to be able to work some earth Friday morning.

I treated myself to some sushi and strawberries with whipped cream when I got home, for the long week I put in... 39 hours of work plus 23 miles of walk. It was a nice quiet evening and I fell asleep with my dog next to me. Friday morning came early. Rachel woke me up around 8:30 and she took me to Home Depot so I could buy a new lawn mower, finally. I also picked up an electric chainsaw so I could begin chopping down the awful bushes that have been taking over my yard for way too long. I can't begin to describe the feeling that overcame as I began hacking away at the terror trees. Anyway, I spent a good amount of time putting the lawn mower together with only one of the right size wrenches I needed and a vise grip... sonuva-b. That was annoying but supremely exciting when I finally got it all together and revved up the engine. Ellie was excited too... I had to keep yelling at her to get away from the mower so she wouldn't get her little paws chopped off. She such a silly pants sometimes.The yard looks better, but we still have a long way to go. I also need to call the electric company to get them to come and trim the trees where the branches are hanging out with the power lines. Soon enough, the yard will be pretty and I won't feel like the Clampits of the neighborhood.

Friday night, I watched this mini series called The Runaway. It. Broke. My. Heart! Holy crap... it was seedy and devastating. It's Monday morning and I'm still tearing up at the thought of some of the things I saw and how well the actors portrayed them. I know it wasn't real and it's based off of a crime novel, but I can't help but imagine that somewhere, these things happen. I mean obviously, they do, I just don't think about it because I never have to really see it. The piece was so moving that it was something else I added to the column of reasons why I'd like to adopt a baby. I want to save someone from the heartache of the things I watched. So heavy:(

Saturday night, I got to spend time with some of Kyle's friends that I hadn't, previously. We played Cards Against Humanity, ate pizza and I got to try a gluten free beer called, Angry Orchard, which was delicioso! I had a really great time with them and am happy that they are good people and Kyle has some more people he can lean on & care about. I think good friends really make someone a well rounded person.

Sunday was spent working more on the yard and then swimming, again, with Kyle's friends. Andrew invited us to his father's house for swimming, games and a cook out. I was nursing a dehydration headache and didn't really start to feel better until later, but I made the best of it. We played Uno and I got to meet Andrew's family.

The weekend was one of the better ones I've had in a long time. I got to spend the first part of it giving our home some much needed tlc and spending quality time with Ellie. Then I got to spend quality time with Rachel when she took me shopping Friday morning. It was a welcome treat after not seeing her for a few weeks, now that she's on a different shift than me. I spent the next two days going out with Kyle and meeting some fun, new friends. I even felt really great getting dressed and putting some make up on. Spending the previous week walking and thinking about my food choices has really boosted my confidence. I even took a 'selfie' to mark the occasion. I made some good choices eating, even though I went off the track a bit with the pizza and cookout, but I still think I'm doing much better. A new acquaintance of mine sent me a link to an interesting food blog that has really funny headers on each post. I got a kick out of it but more importantly, it is a fantastic resource for me to try new, healthy recipes. I'm on my way to a healthier, more thoughtful future. I feel good about where I've been and where I'm headed. Feels good man.

XO.

Here's some photos I remembered to grab over the weekend.

 Got to spend some time with this silly pup! Love her little face<3 .="" br="">

Used my headphones so much in the last two weeks, being active, that I broke them! 

One of the headers from the food blog I was recently shown.  I'll post the link soon.

 

Selfie. I feel like my chest still takes over but I'm really starting to feel fantastic. My feet don't hurt as much and I can feel myself getting stronger. I can't wait to be strong enough to do things like climb and kayak!!! Fit life, here I come!

A healthy salad I had over the weekend. Organic spring mix, blue corn tortilla chips, a broken up cranberry & pistachio bar and pomegranite vinaigrette. To many more healthy choices!



What did you do over the weekend? Tell us in the comments below! 

Training for a 5k; staying positive

I'm. SO. tired.

Since Saturday, I've walked 15.12 miles. 8.5 of them last night alone. That's why I didn't have a chance to post last night. I came home and had zero energy for anything except eating, showering, feeding the pets and going to sleep. My muscles hurt mostly in the good way but I am having a little trouble with my feet and ankle. I took some aspirin and am drinking water today, so, I'm hoping I'll be ready for round three this week of the long walk home. If I can do this two more times by Saturday, I'll have walked 30 miles! Which is exciting. And terrifying! I just want a long, long nap. Something exciting that I woke up to this morning; in posting my workout stats to FB, I got invited to participate in another 5k in October. I have to push through, I can't give up. Here's a few photos to share my progress.

These are from Monday:

Tuesday:

I've been trying to eat cleaner, as well. This is lunch I made for all week of quinoa & an avocado. Very tasty! 

This is definitely a part of my journey where I have to keep fighting the negative thoughts & doubts that are creeping in and pray A LOT! I'm already tired and have a little bit of anxiety about today's walk. I know I can do it and it's an investment in my future. Nothing good comes easy.


What are some ways that you have stayed positive during difficult times? Respond in the comments below!