Career Goals: Why it took me eight years to figure out what I want.

This year, has been very moving for me, personally. I am experiencing a holistic growth spurt. What I mean by that, is that I've been experiencing growth in many aspects of my life and I must say that I don't think I've been handling it very well. At least, in my mind. Many people say I am way too hard on myself and maybe that's true and maybe outwardly, I've been able to conduct myself almost wholly sane, but inside I feel like my whole chest and brain are about to explode into a million pieces of pink confetti. But... I can altogether say that all of this is good. The fire has left me more refined. At least in the way of unpacking and sorting through more of my baggage. I feel like crap for the attitude of my heart this last year but I am thrilled about the layers that have been stripped away from me over the course of it.

      I think that learning more about my hurts and scars and finally having the guts to look at them has helped me be more authentic. I just want to be honest, even if that means sharing things that make me uncomfortable. Digging through all of this crap has opened my eyes about a lot of things, especially pertaining to my marriage and other relationships. It has made me more aware of myself, who I want to be, and how to get there. I'm still struggling but I don't think that's ever going to go away. As long as I keep fighting.

     I didn't really mean for this post to be super introspective; all I really wanted to talk about was finally being able to commit to something as far as my career is concerned. But I have a lot on my plate at the moment plus I think it all ties in. My past has sort of made me commitment-phobic and finally taking a good long look at where I came from seems to be helping me make more sense of where I am going.

      With that said, I have taken steps to finally go after a career that I can be proud of and excited to get up for everyday. I've started an application to Penn State to finish my undergrad in Advertising/Public Relations and Strategic Communications. It sounds fancy, but I'll basically just be working with businesses to make sure their interactions with the public and other businesses is squeaky clean, creative, well thought out and perfectly executed. I'll also have the chance (and I fully plan on taking the opportunity) to work freelance to create any copy that businesses might need. Pamphlets, newsletters, website copy, logos, etc.

      It might sound boring to some but I like to learn and I like to write. I also like to convince people of my point and what is a copywriter but a salesman behind a typewriter? I feel really good about this and I feel like it's going to help quell my insatiable appetite for new projects because I'll always get to work with someone different with something different to bring to the table.

       I know that I've been through a lot of perspective careers since I graduated from high school, but as I said to my aunt in a  text recently, "I may not be the kind of girl that needed to spend months and months looking for the perfect wedding gown, but I needed to make sure that my career was a good fit." I bought my wedding dress in five minutes. That's not even an exaggeration. I saw it in the store, tried it on, rung it up. I was only going to wear it for ONE day. What did it matter? And seeing that my wedding day was more for the benefit of our loved ones, I was a little cavalier about the whole thing. However, a career... something that I had to go to everyday, spend time educating myself about, tying my life around... That was very difficult for me. I had really cold feet when it came to nailing something down for myself. Also, I'd be the only one to blame if I hated it. So, I spent a ton of time.... 8 years, to be precise, foraying into different paths. Convincing myself of why each new endeavor was a good fit. I don't know if I ever stopped to take time to just listen to my instincts.

       This time, it feels right. As I said, I've been cleaning proverbial house and I've been quiet long enough to hear what is inside of my soul and the song is getting lighter.